Michael Jackson’s memorial service has been set for Tuesday at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which, hello? Only seats 20k people, and since they’re giving away free tickets, I’m guessing 10 times that number will show up. AT LEAST. Plus, I think there may be a holiday weekend coming up….let’s see…..yes, Fourth of July, so that gives the planners like what, one business day to plan an event that is going to be the biggest draw since the Beatles? Good thinking there, whoever planned that.

Here’s how I think Wacko Jacko would’ve planned his memorial. First, let’s get in the mood:

Ahhh. Okay, first, MJ probably would’ve wanted nobody but kids at the funeral. Well, and maybe some magical unicorns, if they could be rounded up in time. Ooh! And puppies, LOTS of puppies.

Next, he would have made everyone at the funeral sing “Kum Ba Yah” and hold hands around a giant campfire. You know, to combine their energies or essences or whatnot.

Last (if that wasn’t enough), Michael would have liked everyone to dress up as their favorite Disney character and walk around just giving each other high five’s. This would be followed close behind by a few dozen rounds of Jesus Juice, because hey! THAT’S HIS DRINK, YALL. You know it, I know it, and now we’ve just got to send this to the service planners and let the magic happen. Aww, yeah!

Image: INF

Jessica Simpson is making it too easy for me, folks. I mean, seriously - she is like the worst singer in the history of singers. Small children start crying when they hear her. Forest animals cringe in horror, scurrying to their dens. Aliens eavesdropping on our planet are all like “WHAT THE HALE, EARTH. WHAT. THE. HALE.”

And yet, Jessica ignores all reason and logic and continues to do her horrible yodel/scream/contortion act, even with the National Anthem. Scratch that - ESPECIALLY with the National Anthem. At a golf tourney yesterday, Jess decided to do her level best to decimate all that was pure and holy. Here’s a few pics - the facial shenanigans alone are worth a few lolz:

Stage 1: Jessica is just warming up her pipes. Somewhat mellow.

Stage 2: Jessica makes her move into Soulful and Heartfelt. Not yet frantic, but you know it's coming.

Stage 3: BOOM. We are now in full-on yodel mode. Gird your loins.

Stage 4: Cover your ears and head for the hills, because SHE'S FIXIN' TO TORNATE.

Stage 5: Critical mass has been attained. At this point, all you can do is put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

But wait - I know a picture is worth a thousand words, but how about one of those newfangled video contraptions? I mean, come on, you don’t REALLY need those eardrums to survive, right? You do? Baby. Here’s the vid:

Jessica Simpson Sings at Golf Tourney

Le sigh. Keep praying for Jessica, she needs to know that Seven Pound, Six Ounce Baby Jesus will still love her even if she stops frying our brain stems with her demonic shrieking. I tell you what: let’s all zap her with our Baby Jesus prayers every time she gets up and starts to expectorate - maybe the combined thought power will achieve something that hundreds of bad reviews, ridiculous album sales, and common sense have not.

Image: Newscom

Chris Brown is getting his comeuppance for his horrible assault against ex-girlfriend Rihanna. The singer was scheduled to perform at the BET Awards at which many singers gave tribute to Michael Jackson. Why didn’t he show up? Because rapper Jay Z pulled some serious rank and blacklisted him from coming, that’s why! YES!!!!!

Page Six also has Jay threatening to actually pull out of the show himself if Chris showed up - and obviously, Jay Z is a MUCH bigger pull than Brown. I hope that everyone reading this realizes how utterly AWESOME that Jay Z did this; first of all, having Chris Brown show up on the heels of his assault trial at a tribute for MJ would be tres tacky. Secondly, his career should be in the TOILET after what he did to that poor girl. No one should have to suffer that kind of abuse. WELL DONE, JAY Z!!!!

Image: Newscom

With all the hoopla around Michael Jackson’s shocking death this week, one of the things that has actually gotten to this hardened gossip hound was Lisa Marie Presley’s blog post about their married life together, and how she tried to save him. Here’s an excerpt:

On dying like Elvis, Lisa’s dad

At some point he paused, he stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty, “I am afraid that I am going to end up like him, the way he did.”

On their married life

Our relationship was not “a sham” as is being reported in the press. It was an unusual relationship yes, where two unusual people who did not live or know a “Normal life” found a connection, perhaps with some suspect timing on his part. Nonetheless, I do believe he loved me as much as he could love anyone and I loved him very much.

On Michael’s addictions and trying to help him

He was an incredibly dynamic force and power that was not to be underestimated.
When he used it for something good, It was the best and when he used it for something bad, It was really, REALLY bad.

Mediocrity was not a concept that would even for a second enter Michael Jackson’s being or actions.

I became very ill and emotionally/ spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him.

On the similarities between MJ’s and Elvis’s death

As I sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion at what was my biggest failure to date, watching on the news almost play by play The exact Scenario I saw happen on August 16th, 1977 happening again right now with Michael (A sight I never wanted to see again) just as he predicted, I am truly, truly gutted.

This honestly was probably the most she’s ever spoken about her marriage to Michael; there was always SO MUCH speculation, rumors, etc., and even though I find it very hard to believe that they had anything approaching a normal relationnship, it’s interesting to hear how she did try to help him.

HOWEVER, come on, we can’t hear about the CrazyTown stuff? Seriously, I want some dirt! Did he really have a skeleton of the Elephant Man? Did he really sleep in a hyperbaric chamber? What was up with him grabbing his goodies in all his videos? And so on. Come on, you know you want to know - don’t deny it!

Image: Newscom

Well, this probably doesn’t come as a shock to anyone, but guess what? Debbie Rowe, the first wife of Micheal Jackson, is not the biological mother of MJ’s kids. In fact, she was just the “vessel”, as she did not have sexual relations with Wacko Jacko but instead was artificially inseminated.

Debbie and Michael met while she worked at his dermatologist’s office, and married soon after, even though they barely knew each other. Here’s what Debbie had to say about their married life:

“Michael was divorced, lonely and wanted children. I was the one who said to him, ‘I will have your babies’.

“I offered him my womb - it was a gift. It was something I did to keep him happy.”

Usually, when people want to make someone happy, they, I don’t know, send them flowers, take him to a movie, etc. Debbie sure went the extra mile, didn’t she? LOL! She did get paid for her “services” at least, but she doesn’t have a relationship with the kids and doesn’t want or expect to see them again - which is sad. Who are these kids going to go to, anyway?

Debbie and Michael didn’t have a normal relationship, well, shoot, really? I don’t think MJ had a normal relationship with anyone - the guy was super talented, but he was So. Messed.Up. Debbie was just a front for him to have a couple kids, his whim of the moment. Remember, the guy could buy anything! Here’s what Debbie had to say about the kids:

“I was never a good mother, I never felt any attachment to them. It was a better feeling giving them to him than it was keeping them as my own.

“I know I will never see them again. I was never cut out to be a mother - I was no good. I don’t want these children in my life. My children are my animals now.”

UGH. This whole thing is just so incredibly sad and pathetic, really.

Ding dong, the King of Pop is dead. Michael Jackson died yesterday of an apparent drug overdose, possibly Demerol. Here’s the scoop from CNN:

An autopsy is scheduled on Friday to determine what killed Michael Jackson. Paramedics took Jackson, 50, from his Los Angeles home to UCLA Medical Center, where a team of physicians worked for more than an hour to try to resuscitate him, his brother Jermaine Jackson said. He said the famed singer was pronounced dead at 2:26 p.m.

He was just getting ready to go to rehearsal for his big 50-city tour, in fact, had just given a quote about it in the Mirror.co.uk:

“Thank you all. This is it. I just want to say these will be my final shows, performances in London . This will be it. When I say this is it, I really mean this is it”

Well, he was right about the “this really was it” part, man, he must have really not wanted to go on tour, huh? A reporter spoke to Jackson’s lawyer outside of the home and this is what he had to say:

“He told me it was something he had expected for some time now. He said he had warned the family, Michael himself and everybody surrounding Michael about his use of medication and his concerns about what may happen.”

I think we’re all aware of Michael’s legacy of music, his innovations, etc., but his later years were overshadowed by not one, but TWO trials for touching the kinder. MJ’s whole life was about “children”, and living a life dedicated to nurturing that his inner child; unfortunately, he went a tad bit overboard into CrazyTown.

Regardless, here’s a nice tribute to Wacko Jacko:

Ay yi yi! Actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested at a French airport after being publicly drunk and fighting an airport employee. Here’s how it went down: Meyers was at a bar, and he was visibly drunk, so the bartender refused to serve him any more. Meyers didn’t like this, so started yelling at the bar manager. When another employee tried to intervene, Meyers started swinging!

French police handcuffed Mr. Drinky and put him in a lockdown for a few hours to cool off. He’s going to have to appear before the Correctional Tribunal in Bobigny in September to answer charges concerning, “voluntary violence, contempt, issuing death threats and assault,” so yeah, he’s in big trouble. I guess maybe next time he should ignore Jim Beam and Johnny Walker when they tell him to get all nutso on someone!

Ed McMahon, best known for his longtime role as Johnny Carson’s straight man/sidekick, passed away yesterday at the age of 86. He had a rough last couple of years: hospitalized in February for pneumonia, a neck injury, a court case about mold in his home (he won), and probably the saddest one: in June 2008, McMahon was $644,000 in arrears on a $4.8 million loan for a home in Beverly Hills, California, and his lender had filed a notice of default. This is awful, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, right? It’s so amazing that a man who made millions of dollars in his lifetime ended up having to go through that, but it is what it is.

Here’s a video of Ed and Johnny:

Well, after ten years of marriage and five seasons of a reality show that showed how awfully strained their marriage had truly become, Jon and Kate Gosselin have officially called it quits. Their show tonight on TLC had the announcement:

I don’t think anyone who’s watched the show for more than five minutes is surprised at this announcement; Kate always treated Jon like he was something on the bottom of her shoe, and Jon dealt with it by disassociating with the family. Hopefully they’ll put the kids first in this whole thing, but judging from their past history, I’m not going to hold my breath.

File this in the “I’ll believe it when I hear it from the horse’s mouth” category. MediaTakeOut, which is like the biggest scam site on the Interwebs today, is claiming that the National Enquirer (another one that’s hard to believe, but they tend to have some pretty credible sources) will post allegations that Morgan Freeman has had an affair with his step-granddaughter, E’Dena Hines, who is 27 and is NOT blood-related to Morgan (which makes it a little easier to hear, but just barely). Here’s how it started:

“he’d given Morgan sexy photos of herself as a substitute for his needing to be intimate with her, but that was not enough for Morgan, according to the insider. “Edina said she was trying to get him back to being her grandpa and not her lover.”

Uh, not exactly the way to throw Pops off the scent, girlfriend. NOT AT ALL. They apparently have been fooling around for a while, since she was a teenager, and E’Dina got tired of it and wanted him to go back to being her grandpa. Well, once the toothpaste is out of the tube it’s kinda hard to get back in, kwim? I honestly and sincerely hope that this is not true, Morgan Freeman is one of those actors you love to see because he’s just so dang likeable. Phooey.