Snarky Gossip

Britney Spears pregnant, Pam Anderson having wild monkey sex, Jennifer Love Hewitt engaged, Gwyneth marriage problems, and more

by Wendy on November 29th, 2007

Happy Thursday, Snarky Gossip fans! So…..I have to confess, my front yard is looking just a little on the crazy side this week; the spouse is bound and determined to win the prize for Most Random Christmas Crap and so far I think we’re definitely in the running for first place. Seriously, it’s getting demented out there. I’m sure the power company loves us though - but it is kind of having a weird impact on the dog; he went out to go potty last night, took one look at the flashing lights and giant Santa’s everywhere, and came running in like the cowardly little sweetiepie he is. Oh, well.

Gossip! Today there is a LOT, so grab something to eat and get comfy. I am writing this (no joke) with one large cat on my legs (legs are falling asleep), one cat next to my head, and the last cat on the couch next to me. Yes, I am the Crazy Cat Lady:

First in gossip news today, we have a weird interview with Sharon Osbourne about some suicide pact she’s got going on with rocker husband Ozzy.

Fortunately they’re both in relatively good health (or is that unfortunately?), so this isn’t going to kick in anytime soon; I do think it’s odd that she’s sharing something this private with the world. Did the topic just randomly come up and she decided to spill the beans? “I went to Bloomingdale’s yesterday.” “Oh, well, me and Ozzy have a suicide pact.” Awkward.

Next, Nicole Kidman is pissed (as she should be) that her kids don’t call her Mom, they call her Nicole. Is this some kind of Scientology thing?

She told U.K. TV show “GMTV”, “My kids don’t call me mommy, they don’t even call me mom. They call me Nicole, which I hate and tell them off for it.” She said, “Yes, they’re being raised as Scientologists. I don’t want to go there. My daughter and son, their life is molded by the way I live. If I wasn’t willing to take on that responsibility, I shouldn’t have adopted them. Then it can be argued that I should never have divorced, and that’s true, too, but sometimes you don’t have a decision in that. People fall out of love, they do. When children are teenagers, they have a say in where they want to be. Los Angeles is a big draw, and I’m looking to get a place there so we can share more.”

- source

Urgh, how sad is that. I wonder how long they’ve been calling her Nicole? I bet you anything Tom had something to do with that - probably makes them call Katie Mom and him Exalted Father of All Goodness or something like that. Those kids are getting so screwed up, man.

Pam Anderson says she’s going to retire in five years and move back to Canada, where she is originally from. In the meantime, she works as little as possible because she just wants to be with her two boys and - wait for it - be a math tutor to fourth grade boys.

Anderson steps in at her sons’ school to assist as “Multiplication Mom for the fourth-grade boys,” she says.

- source

I wonder if she’s able to use her husband/boyfriend count as an object lesson? You know, math manipulatives and all that. It’s a thought, anyway - I mean, she’s got more than enough man toys to use in some meaningful, math teaching way. Actually, there’s a LOT of stuff she could use as math helpers: old Baywatch one-pieces, saline boob plumpers, discarded pregnancy tests, handcuffs, stripper poles….the list is endless, really. I would give ANYTHING to sit in on one of those math sessions.

Do you recognize this person?

That, my friends, is indeed Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is engaged to her boyfriend Scottish actor Ross McCall this week. I am guessing from the look of her that she is REALLY ENJOYING the haggis. REALLY enjoying it. - source

In our daily Seriously, what The F&#$, Britney Spears? moment, we have her adding shoplifting to her rapidly increasing litany of completely sh!theaded things to do. Here’s the story: she dropped in on a Hustlers store around 1 AM the other night, and was picking out underwear. Sounds pretty normal (all except for visiting a Hustlers in the middle of the night). Apparently Britney never got the memo about NOT TRYING ON UNDERWEAR and got miffed when the salespeople told her she couldn’t do that. Duh, why not? Because I might get some of my mysterious lady juices on there? What’s wrong with that? ANYWAY, she threw a fit and DROPPED HER PANTS in the middle of the store and started trying on stuff willy-nilly. After she (reluctantly) paid, she stole a wig off a model’s head as she walked out, you know, to show those Hustlers biyatches who was boss. - source

So rumors have been circulating for a while now that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are dunzo, and this overbearing statement from her publicist seems to confirm that.

“(reports of a rift) are absolutely not true. They have been completely together and barely separated. Chris was with her in Los Angeles during the shooting of ‘Iron Man,’ and then with her in the Hamptons during the summer, and in London for September and October. She’s been in New York for the past week, but he is joining him soon in a few days. This stems from the fact that both Chris and Gwyneth make a deliberate effort not to be photographed together. She does not take him to any events where there will be press - or if she does, they enter separately. It is their policy not to put their relationship out there for public consumption.”

Who cares either way? Neither one of them have done anything interesting for years; every Coldplay song sounds like the next, if you wanna know the truth, and Gwynnie? You weren’t THAT great in “Shakespeare In Love” and everyone is STILL trying to figure out how the hell you won an Oscar for that. - source

Yep - Emeril has been cancelled. BAM! I could never stand watching his show; between him and Rachel Ray there’s enough annoying vibe to power the city of Detroit. And no, that didn’t make any sense to me either, but then again, I’ve got a ginormous cat on my legs and seriously it’s starting to effect me for the worse, I think. - source

More about Pam Anderson; you know, because she’s apparently shooting off her mouth to anyone with a microphone these days. Apparently in between her stints of being the Multiplication Mom, she’s having wild monkey sex with new (and soon to be ex) husband Rick Salomon. Gross. Plus, she did NOT rush into this marriage. Oh, no. Here’s what she said:

Asked if she rushed into the marriage with Salomon - co-star of Paris Hilton’s notorious sex tape ‘One Night In Paris’ - Pammie replied: “Nah. I make all of my decisions in about five minutes.”

- source

Well, wait now - wouldn’t that mean you DID rush into it? Or is this some kind of higher logic that only Pam understands? Can’t….figure…it…out…brain…hurting….

In other instances of celebrities telling us more than we really want to know, we have former hottie Christian Slater telling us about his love for all things feet:

Christian said: “I’m always experimenting in the bedroom - trying to discover new ways to have a good time and enjoy myself. I think toes are a lot of fun, definitely. Do some of your own research and find out how, but trust me. Uh oh, now I’ve crossed the line!”

- source
I’ve never understood this one; mostly because the thought of someone sucking on my toes kind of squicks me out. Know what I mean? I think it would tickle more than anything else.

A brief break from the gossip gathering brought me to this new song from Tay Zonday, author of the hit viral video Chocolate Rain.

It’s amazing how that song just gets in your head and stays there, isn’t it? And plays over and over again without you having any control over it? Until you want to cleave out your brain with that Nerf gun that’s lying over there under the couch and run crying into the front yard to kick all those fake Santas? Or maybe that’s just my reaction to it; your mileage may vary.

Why, hello, Hogan Family!

A little bird is whispering that you’re FAKING your divorce so you won’t get your asses sued for everything you have due to dumbass there (standing next to Mom) crashing his car and seriously injuring his friend. Time will tell, but I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan knows how to fake stuff by this point - isn’t that what pro wrestling is all about?

In other news that I would like to write about but the damn cat is really starting to hinder my typing:

• Paris Hilton wants to make a baby playmate for Nicole Richie’s impending spawn
• Samuel Jackson is going to play a male nanny; this should clinch him for the Oscar, methinks
• Katie Holmes is like the freaking Incredible Giant Woman
• Britney Spears might be pregnant - her name should be changed to Fertile Myrtle at this point

Okay. That’s it for today; a really good Star Trek rerun just came on, I’ve got burritos microwaving, and I’ve now lost all feeling in my lower extremities (thanks a LOT Count Snuggula). I leave you with this to ponder:

Ciao, sweet babies!

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POSTED IN: Awkward Moments, Dead Celebs, Rumors!, Singers, That's Hot, Weddings, Weirdness