Tara Reid’s Evil Nipple, Julia Roberts chases the paps, Jordan!, Debbie Gibson plastic surgery disaster, and more

Happy Friday, Snarky Gossip groupies! So, hey – this weekend I’m getting all the Christmas decorations out, and there’s a LOT of crap in there that I don’t remember buying or being given. Such as:

• The decorative wooden snowman toting a pair of skis over his shoulder that at first glance looks like a loaded, double-barreled shotgun
• The stuffed Christmas tree that shakes violently and performs a rap song
• The extremely large tin canister with a grinning Santa penguin on it

Etc., etc. I’m starting a box where I hide all my weird Christmas decorations; so far it’s about halfway full.

Okay! So gossip time. Friday is always sorta lame for gossip, but believe me, there’s still interesting stuff to talk about, even if we have to make it up, dammit. And believe me, I am TOTALLY WILLING to do that for you – that’s how much you mean to me.

First, we have a few crazy antics from Tom Cruise and the Scientologists; apparently, Steven Spielberg had told him the name of a doctor who had (gasp!) prescribed MEDICINE to a relative of his. Mysteriously soon after, that doctor’s office was picketed by Scientologists. Coincidence? I think not. Tommy Boy sure knows how to piss off and alienate people (did you catch that pun? ALIENate people? I kill me.). – source

Next, Julia Roberts demonstrated to me once again why I love her so much: she actually CHASED DOWN some paparazzi assclowns who were filming kids at school – did you hear that? AT A SCHOOL. How disgusting is that. Anyway, she totally chased him down Cannonball Run style and gave him a piece of her mind:

I am totally with her on this. Paparazzi have no right being anywhere near kids and they’re getting more and more dangerous. One of these days something really bad is going to happen, I guarantee it.
On to less weighty topics: what do you think of Katie Holmes new haircut?

I think she looks good, but I just can’t take the two of them seriously as a couple; mostly because Tom is tapping the gayness, but also because she frigging looks like she could be his daughter. Also the gayness. Did I mention the gayness? – source

SPICE GIRLS! CHICKEN POX! SPICE GIRLS!

Spice Girl (woman?) Geri Halliwell’s little daughter Bluebell has the chicken pox, and is being left at home while the band goes on their world tour. Hopefully she’ll get over it soon because I’m SURE she wouldn’t want to miss out on such masterpieces as this little number:

Surely not, Bluebell. Surely not. – source

Holy Ho-berries, Batman! It’s Jordan! JORDAN!!!!!

Oh, Jordan. You really know how to class it up, don’t you. I think that you could probably give etiquette lessons. And you’re always so PERKY!

Uh…well…at least PART of her is perky. Dayum. The girls are looking quite happy these days, aren’t they? – source
Segueing awkwardly from Skankville to Hollywood, the list of Tinseltown’s highest paid actresses has come out, and Reese Witherspoon is at the top of the list:
1. Reese Witherspoon – $15 to $20 million per pic
2. Angelina Jolie – $15 to $20 million (made only $8 million for Beowulf)
3. Cameron Diaz – $15 million
4. Nicole Kidman – $10 to $15 million
5. Renee Zellweger – $10 to $15 million
6. Sandra Bullock – $10 to $15 million
7. Julia Roberts – $10 to $15 million
8. Drew Barrymore – $10 to $12 million
9. Jodie Foster – $10 to $12 million
10. Halle Berry – $10 million
I’m glad to see Drew Barrymore on this list, she’s like my best friend I’ve never met but would LIKE to meet some day, and who I’m planning to have fun girlie overnighters with where we paint each others’ toenails, braid each others’ hair, and then go out and TP someone’s house. Preferably that a-hole up the street who keeps letting out his demented Labrador out to terrorize the neighborhood. After that, we’ll make brownies and watch Freaky Friday and make each other friendship bracelets. She hasn’t called me back yet, though…I’m sure she just got busy or something. Yeah, that’s it. – source

Next, Britney Spears might not be as dumb as she repeatedly, chronically, and persistently makes herself out to be. In our oh so popular Seriously, what The F&#$, Britney Spears? moment, the pop princess is asking fans to make her next video, basically because she wants to interact with her fanbase and tap the voice of the people…..oh, screw that. Girl just is too busy running over the paps and shoplifting dirty underpants to make a frigging video, and any moron with access to Windows Media Player and Paintbrush could probably do better than what she’s coming up with at this point. – source Oh, and that’s not the ONLY Seriously, What The F*#&, Britney Spears? moment I have for you today; check it out:

According to The National Enquirer:
“Britney met Mike at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and she immediately put on a full-court press to get him to go out with her,” a snitch blabbed to the tab. “Britney’s in Mirabelle’s all the time now keeping tabs on Mike’s every move.”
“At one point, she told Mike she’d pay him $25,000 and give him a part in her new video if he’d start dating her. But the whole thing is stressing him out. He can’t stand how she watches his every move.”
“Mike said Britney gave him a dedicated cell phone and she texts him constantly.”
“I think he’s stringing her along, and the odds are this guy will end up using her and she’ll only get hurt again.”

– source

I guess she thinks if she throws enough money at this guy that he’ll be able to get past the Cheeto dust, Clearasil, and general air of desperation to slip her a sausage? I’ve got a better idea:

Just a thought. Tara Reid has finally embraced her soul’s ultimate calling: that as the “A-Lister” host of a Hooker’s Ball (whatever the hell that is):

Actress Tara Reid — once one of Hollywood’s most popular leading ladies — is hosting a ‘Hookers Ball’ in Darwin ,Australia this weekend.
The American Pie starlet’s role in the 21st staging of Darwin’s self-styled naughtiest night will include competing in the wet t-shirt contest, and a manager at the Discovery nightclub says Reid may be dressed up in lingerie or even as a prostitute.

Dressed up? Wouldn’t that be pretty much her normal everyday attire? And since when was Tara Reid ever a popular leading lady? I think that the Evil Nipple had something to do with this:

She’d better keep an eye on that Evil Nipple…..because it will only get more sinister. Let’s cleanse our palates with a little bit of Penelope Cruz:

Ahhh…that’s better. But wait! LOOK OUT!

OOh, I TOLD you that nipple was tricky. Let’s just ignore it and see if it goes away. Maybe this interview with Natalie Portman will help:

She’s so awesome. I lurve her. In fact, I think that if Drew doesn’t call me back, I’ll give Nat a call – we’ll have a girls night, do lunch, the usual. Speaking of girls, what in the Sam Hill did Debbie Gibson do to herself?

That’s the understatement of the year: “Unfortunately, her nose looks very unnatural.” It looks like she ran repeatedly into a wall headfirst…which, come to think of it, is pretty much what I did every time any of her songs came onto the radio. Electric Youth, I’m talking to you. – source

Let’s see, what else can we talk about today…..

• Ashanti shows off her Little Ashanti
• Suri Cruise is going to get a pair of shoes worth more than most people’s monthly paychecks
• Bobby Kristina is getting into trouble Mommy and Daddy style
• Name Nicole Richie’s baby, win a prize
• The Pete Wentz sex tape? God forbid

I leave you this happy Friday with one of my favorite videos of all time:

Till tomorrow, my sweet friends. Parting is such sweet sorrow, I bid you adieu until the morrow. TA TA!