Snarky Gossip

Joan Van Ark OMG, Scary Tiger Attack, Ashley Tisdale nose job, Mitch Winehouse FTW, Britney Spears drunk dialing, Beyonce is a Bumblebee, Tara Reid’s evil nipple, Renee Zellweger, and more

by Wendy on December 4th, 2007

Hola, muchachos! Happy Tuesday to you. I *think* I’m going to get my Christmas tree today; hopefully it won’t be like LAST year when there were giant beetles jumping off every which way IN MY HOUSE. At least it was beetles and not squirrels, right? Although I am pretty sure that my cats would step up to the plate and get the damn squirrel. They surprise me sometimes that way - which reminds me of a funny story. A couple months back we had a mouse. A mouse, not SOME mice, okizzay? They sneak in when it’s cold outside, the little bastards. Anyway, I walked out one morning to get my coffee and they were all playing with their little catnip mouse.

Except it wasn’t a catnip mouse.

And it wasn’t all the way dead. Just kind of dead.

And there was blood smeared all over the floor.

SQUICK, right? I’m getting all grossed out just remembering it. Anyway, they’re good cats catching mice (MOUSE) for me, makes up for all the hairballs. On to the gossip!

First, I am sad to report that Joan Van Ark woke up and forgot to warn the rest of us that she had her “OH MY GOD!!!! HIDE THE CHILDREN!!!” face on.

For reals. I don’t even know what to say about this one….uh….she looks like she could use a shave, that’s for sure. - source

Next, in the Delicious Irony section, we have news of a tiger mauling at Melanie Griffith’s mom’s wildlife preserve. Apparently, the poor guy that was attacked was just cleaning out the big cat’s cage, and the tiger got the munchies, and That. Was. It. He’s in stable condition now (thankfully). How weird is THAT, huh? A wild animal ATTACKING something? That just never happens, does it (sarcasm alert). - source

High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale finally got a surgeon to touch her big old schnozzaroo. Oh, I’m kidding. She has a DEVIATED SEPTUM, people….which seems to be a common complaint among Hollywood folks who get their nose jobs (why do they think we give a rat’s ass either way?). Here’s what she had to say about the whole thing:

“Growing up I always knew I had a deviated septum on the right side of my nose, which caused trouble breathing,” Tisdale told the magazine. After a more detailed explanation of her septum woes, Tisdale added, “”I didn’t do this because I believe in plastic surgery. I did this to help my health. I literally almost could not breathe out of the right side of my nose.”

- source
Do you think they’ll put in a special chip or something to make her singing stop hurting all the baby animals? We can hope, anyway. Next: Amy Winehouse’s dad broke a guitar over Pete Doherty’s head this past week.

Mitch Winehouse deserves a round of applause for doing what we and the entire nation could only dream of… Twatting Pete Doherty across the head with his own guitar (hopefully smashing it into tiny pieces rendering Pete unable to play it ever again).

Pete Doherty was at Amy Winehouse’s gig in Brixton last week, when he had the misfortune to bump into her burly cabbie dad, Mitch.

Apparently Mitch took Pete to one side and warned him to leave his daughter alone (just like a scene out of ‘Eastenders’ or something) before telling him that he was the last person she needs at the moment (seeing as the second to last is currently tucked up in prison).

Pete began ’smirking’, obviously a facial expression he’s familiar with (having actually gone out with Kate Moss and avoided prison despite repeatedly breaking the law) until Mitch wiped that smirk right off his smug face. He smacked him across his head with his guitar and (probably) sent his trilby flying.

- source

LOVES IT. Perhaps we should all chip in some coin to enable old Mitch there as a one-man crackhead slapper? He’d get a lot of mileage just in his own family alone.

Next, we have some stoopid news about Nicole Kidman not being completely faithful to Chanel No. 5, with which she has a $12 million a year deal.
Apparently she was walking down some red carpet frantically applying some other perfume than Chanel and saying to everyone that it was her favorite and Chanel is pissed. First, who the hell applies perfume out of their bathroom or home? Secondly, if someone was paying ME $12 million a year to say Chanel was my favorite, I would freaking BATHE in the stuff. I would put it in my cereal. It would be part of my recommended daily allowance. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Oooh!! It’s time for the daily Seriously, What The F*&% Britney Spears? moment!!!

Let’s see, what is she up to today? Ooh! Hanging out with BFF Paris Hilton and doing a little drunkdialing to ex Kevin Federline!

On Saturday, as Spears celebrated her 26th birthday, she had to deal with her scene-stealing frenemy Paris Hilton, who showed up at the Scandinavian Mansion of Style in Bel-Air.
“Britney was inside with Sam Lufti and Ali Sims,” one partygoer told us. “When Paris saw Britney leaving, she desperately raced out to walk her to her car.”
PageSix.com reported yesterday that Spears wanted to call her ex-husband, Kevin Federline - but had to borrow Hilton’s cellphone “because she could not find her own,” a source told our new Web site.
Spears invited Federline to join her at the club during the 1 a.m. call.
“She begged him to come out with her,” a source said, “[but] “Kevin reminded her that one of them needed to be a parent and take care of the boys. Then she hung up on him. Kevin said she was drinking.”

- source

Good Lord. You know, she’s so f*cked up at this point, but I think it would be interesting to just follow her around and see what hot mess she gets herself into next.

Next: could someone give Beyonce a call and gently, gently tell her that perhaps she should stop wearing Mama Beyonce’s designs? Because I’m sad to report that they are pretty much horrendously UGLY.

And yes, I’m going here:

Seriously. And she even has matching yellow eyeshadow on. Where do you even BUY yellow eyeshadow? I love you Beyonce, but for real, you need to Upgrade, because this look is NOT Irreplaceable. In fact, it’s not even Bootylicious. (see how I did that? Aren’t you impressed?) - via celebutopia

Let’s move on from my incredible wittiness now to the wonders of Tara Reid, “relaxing” poolside in Australia. This girl is on one lonnnnng vacation, who knows from WHAT exactly, but yet, here we are.

She looks WAY too skinny, doesn’t she? Cute bikini, though…wait, was that? OH, NO! It’s the return of TARA REID’S EVIL NIPPLE!

Just when we thought it was safe, that thing pokes its head out. We must practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE, people. CONSTANT.

What is Renee Zellweger doing to herself in this picture? Do we even want to know?

It’s like she’s connecting with her mysterious lady parts RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, like she doesn’t even care if we see her shakras. Either that, or she’s just putting her hands in her frigging pockets, which is probably more likely, but I like *my* explanation better.

So! You might remember that Aretha Franklin was kind of on a diet? Sorta? Well, there comes a time in every woman’s life when you look at the scale, you look at the disgusting caramel rice cakes and broccoli, and you say SCREW IT. This, apparently, is what she has done:

Here’s her statement:

The 16-times Grammy winner has spoken about her battle with her weight.

She said she spent decades starving herself to stay slim.

“For a long time I suffered so much trying to be what other people expected me to be and look like,” she told a US website.

“I definitely was never meant to be a model type walking down a runway - I’m just Aretha singing what she feels in her heart and soul.”

- source

I think I’m just going to leave this one alone, I mean, it IS tempting to break out with some chubby jokes, but you know what? I have to pee and thus the rest of this Tuesday post will be written QUITE QUICKLY.

Other goss around the goss-o-matic:

• No nude scenes for Julia Roberts
• Jennifer Love Hewitt shows off her engagement ring
• Usher’s wife is kind of a dummy
• Baby Jesus does NOT like The Golden Compass

That’s all, friends! Till Wednesday, I leave you with this to ponder:

LOVE ya!

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POSTED IN: A World Of No, Actors, Heartwarming Animal Stories