Gimme some morning gossip, STAT!

OMG you guys, the Starbucks near my house sucks sweaty goat balls like CRAZY. They only had one machine working and there was like 20 people in there, and then they missed my order and I ended up waiting 20 minutes for a lukewarm caramel macchiato that tasted awful. Why do I keep going back there? Why? WHYYYYYYY.

Anyway, let’s get to the morning gossip. First, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman need to stop already.

We Get It, You’re F**King Matt Damon

Remember this video?

Well, Jimmy Kimmel is going to retaliate with his own little video. You know, because it’s such a funny schtick. Except HIS, it’s going to be “I’m F**king Ben Affleck”! OMG, wow, so funny! Meh. I like Sarah, I like Jimmy, and I have vague feelings of lust for Matt Damon, but Ben Affleck has nothing but my pity ever since he played “Daredevil”. Lordy, lordy, what a crapfest THAT was.

Next, Christina Aguilera apparently was afraid of having a regular vaginal birth. I know, I know – the phrase “vaginal birth” really is not what you want to read about first thing in the morning, but just brace yourself.

Christina Aguilera Guards Her Pikachu

Okay, so apparently the Genie in a Bottle opted for a C-section NOT for medical reasons, but because she didn’t want to unnecessarily stretch her Happy Place. She didn’t want any “surprises.” What, like the idea of an actual PERSON coming out of your body isn’t somewhat of a surprise? I mean, seriously, think about it – it’s pretty freaking weird. Although that might be because of how looped up I am right now on Benadryl.

Next: Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant and horny. Oh God.

Yeah, I’m Knocked Up, But I Need Your Lovin, Yall!

This is wrong for so many reasons, and I’m not entirely sure it’s true, but then again, the Spears family isn’t exactly known for it’s brain trust, know what I mean? So I’m guessing it’s true, or about to be true. Those pregnancy hormones can be a bitch.

Just days before announcing her pregnancy in December, Jamie Lynn shocked a boy at a party by asking him for sex. “It’s cool, I’m pregnant,” she said. “I can’t get pregnant again!”

– source

Dayum, yalls! It’s like being pregnant is like some kind of super fantastic birth control that gives you free reign for 24/7 sexin’. At least, that’s the thought process that is apparently going through Jamie Lynn’s wooden little head. Ah, sweet deluded youth, how I miss thee.

Next, Saturday Night Live will be finally coming back actually LIVE February 23.

SNL Returns February 23, World Says “SNL What Now?”

Yeah, so Saturday Night Live, which has been gracing us with reruns for like what, six months? is finally returning live on February 23 since the writers’ strike is over. Of course, having staged my own personal strike against SNL ever since Will Ferrell and Jimmy Fallon left, I don’t care much one way or the other. Except I do love me some Amy Poehler and Kristen Wiig. They make it worth watching, somewhat.

Ugh, they’re playing Lisa Loeb on the radio, barf. Okay, let’s see what else is going on today:

• Another day in court for Britney Spears
• Paris Hilton in the worst movie ever
• Is Demi Moore a cougar?
• Paris Hilton also abandoned her cat
• Katie Holmes is looking old

Until this afternoon, I leave you with this fine gem of video:

Alexandra The Romanian Bellydancer &Tom Sharpe – The funniest movie is here. Find it