Mel Gibson is a busy man, yalls. Not only is he breaking up with his wife of 28 years and making one gorefest movie after the other, now he’s gotten his Russian mistress pregnant!

Oh, yeah. It’s true, gang. Well, at least according to The Enquirer, which, I know is not always the most reliable source, but hey! Let’s run with it. Rumor has it that Mel sat his kids down to tell them that they were going to have a new baby brother or sister, and apparently they weren’t jumping for joy - surprise, surprise. The kids are going to take steps to protect their part of the Mel Gibson money pie before the Russian mistress gets her hands on it. What a mess, right?

Partridge Family mom Shirley Jones, shown in the video below teaching you how to tighten your buttocks (no kidding, she really is) is considering posing NUDE for Playboy - at the ripe old age of 75.

Her husband and manager says that she is ready and willing to do it, and that she still looks good for her age. So, uh, yeah. I don’t want to rain on your parade there Shirley, but nobody wants to look at old memaw booty. Just because you CAN do it, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Just say no!

Jessica Simpson is on the cover of this month’s Vanity Fair, and yes, you’re not alone in thinking “Durr? Whazza?” She’s got nothing going on except an awkward relationship with footballer Tony Romo and an embarrassingly stunted country music career that fizzled out before it even got started. Her interview is just about what you would expect it to be, including an oddly phrased statement about how she handles the media:

“It comes with what I do,” Jess continues. “And I know that every day the media’s going to challenge me, is going to want to bring me down. But I feel like I’m at such a place that I own myself, and it’s authentic. I own that authentic part of myself, and none of those words are harsh enough to make me believe them…I can’t imagine saying some of the things people have said about me about anybody else.”

Really? Seriously? Well, I just want to know how she got on the cover of Vanity Fair, a highly desired spot, when she has absolutely nothing, NOTHING, going on. Did Papa Joe dig into his trust funds and pony up some cash? Or did she just strike a deal with Satan?

This is crazy. Apparently, Chris Brown has hired himself a lawyer who lives in PsychoTown, because he’s pushing for the felony charges against his client to be DISMISSED. Why? Because the LAPD released those pictures of his handiwork on former girlfriend Rihanna, that’s why, and they don’t think he can get a fair trial!

Well, first of all, BOO HOO to that lawyer. Second, I’m sure that the jury selection process will be able to find 12 people that haven’t heard of Chris Brown, mostly because he ain’t all that and a bag of chips. Thirdly, I’m pretty sure that trying to get charges dismissed is not going to help his public image any - we already all think he’s the Spawn of Satan. Nice try though, Mr. Lawyer! You’re truly making Johnnie Cochran proud, I’m sure.

So there are certain things you read that once you have them in your brain, you really can’t UNread them. They are in there, like the theme song to Barney, and will NEVER EVER LEAVE.

The following gossip tidbit is one of those things. You have been warned!

Apparently, Tori Spelling asked husband Dean to shave her mysterious lady parts while she was pregnant, because she couldn’t see what was going on down there. Here’s what she had to say:

“I wasn’t prepared for losing sight of my lower region. I’d say, ‘Dean, how’s it looking down there? Do I need to shave?’ But of course I couldn’t shave. So Dean had to shave me. He’d hold up a mirror and say ‘How’d I do?’ Or he’d take a picture with his Blackberry to show me.”

Yes, and how long until the pictures on his Blackberry are hijacked, hmm? Anyway, it’s not a big deal - doesn’t EVERYONE trim their pregnant friends? I know I do. Heck, they’re lined up around the block in my town.

Here’s Jennifer Aniston on the set of her new movie named “The Baster”, which instantly made me think of a turkey baster, which made me think about Thanksgiving, which made me hungry, which made me go look in the cupboards for something to eat and all I could find were some stale Fruit Loops. Which I ate anyway.

“The Baster” is about an unmarried 40-year-old woman who turns to a turkey baster in order to become pregnant. Seven years later, she reunites with her best friend, who has been living with a secret: he replaced her preferred sperm sample with his own. Okay, wait - is this an autobiography? Did they follow Jenifer Aniston around? And how disgustingly sad, yet compelling, is this movie going to be or WHAT.

However, I still won’t be paying to see an Aniston movie. She’s a Netflix kind of gal, don’t you think?

Aww, isn’t that cute? Rolling Stones member Ron Wood is out with his granddaughter for a walk….wait, what? That’s his GIRLFRIEND?!?!? And she’s younger than both of his kids?

Yep, it’s true. Ron Wood apparently smoked too much of the ganja when he was younger and decided to treat his 67 year old self (!) to a little bit of cradle robbin‘. The girl’s name is Ekaterina Ivanova and Ron is stepping out with her while he’s divorcing his wife of 23 years. Classy!

I wonder, what IS that expression on his face? Surprise? Confusion? What I’m most interested in is her, actually. She’s a cute little thing, she must have SOME reason why she’s putting up with his decrepit old skeleton. He’s basically shagging someone who wasn’t even born when he was eligible for Medicare, and she’s pulling an Anna Nicole, probably hoping that Ronnie will sign over some of his sizable fortune to her if she sits on his lap and calls him Daddy. Sweet buttered Moses.

I can’t think of anything I’d rather buy right now than a bonafide stripper pole from none other than ex-Girls Next Door ho Kendra Wilkinson, how about you? Oh, wait - there’s a freaking STRIPPER WORKOUT VIDEO to go with it? I have officially died and gone to hillbilly heaven.

Yes, it’s true - the Playboy Bunny (and chronic horse-laugher) is marketing her stripper exercise video like cuh-razy, because when you’ve got a chest full of silicon and a head full of rocks, the earnings factor is only good for a few years, at most. Gotsta make the most of all those sexytimes with Hugh Hefner, right? Right!

Speaking of Kendra, she’s getting married soon, which kind of boggles my mind because hello? Would you marry somebody who’s stuck their hooha in the drooling faces of every teenager from here to Omaha? Huh. Here’s what Kendra had to say about her upcoming nuptials:

“Still working on the dress,” Wilkinson — who was worried about looking too “’80s Prom” — told Us. “We’re talking to a really cool florist. He’s making the flowers amazing — 6-foot centerpieces! It’s going to look like a fair-tale wedding. I’m really excited about it.”

Oh, Kendra. I would worry less about looking 80’s prom than 00’s hooker. But that’s just me!

Singer Michael Jackson is auctioning off his daily outfits, stuff like ruffled shirts, British military uniforms, jeweled crowns, you know, stuff like you and I wear every day. Personally, I had to put my crown in for repairs, the rubies kept falling off and hitting me in the eye and it was getting old fast.

Anyway, here’s an interesting video that gives you some behind the scenes looks at Mikey’s auction stuff; if you have an extra million or two you can buy some of this junk.

So all of us who are fans of Sex and the City were excited to hear that we were going to get another movie, right? Except listen to what is being rumored as the storyline. You might want to breathe really deeply and go to your happy place, because seriously, this will PISS. YOU. OFF.

Are you there? Happy place? Okay:

Big loses his bazillions and has to move to London in a one-bedroom apartment. While there he cheats on Carrie and after she flies home to NYC after confronting him, she finds out she’s pregnant. OF COURSE.

There’s so many things wrong with this that I don’t really know where to begin, honestly. First of all, Big losing his money. We don’t want to see Big without money, because frankly we’re materialistic and that’s a huge part of his appeal - that he can jet off all over the world at a moment’s notice and buy Carrie $500 pairs of shoes. Second, sersly - cheating? Didn’t we kind of already do that with Steve and Miranda? And third, Carrie is too old to get pregnant. She looks like someone’s Nana. I’m sorry, but it needs to be said.

What do you think of this rumored storyline? I doubt this is the real one, but it’s fun to speculate. What would your perfect SATC storyline be?