Just when you thought Tori Spelling couldn’t get any sleazier, now she’s planning on writing ANOTHER book (you know, to add to the world of great literature) that details mom Candy’s sexytimes with other men while dad Aaron was dying, AND her sexytimes with various horndogs throughout the marriage - while Aaron watched! Um, gross? Nasty? Who would want to know about these things? Tori is quickly losing any respect she had for constantly spewing out all this vile hate about her mom, they need to get to a counselor and get over it PRIVATELY and get on with life. And that’s Auntie Snarky’s free advice for the day!

Carrie Prejean, soon to be the ex-Miss California because of her nekkid pictures circling the Web, is now blaming Satan for tossing her the infamous gay marriage question that has made her the darling of the religious right. No, I’m serious. I REALLY AM. Here’s what she had to say to James Dobson (conservative talk show host) today:

Dobson: Why did you give the answer you did with regard to the affirmation of marriage?

And I knew right here that it wasn’t about winning. It was about being true to my convictions.

Shoot, I’m going to start blaming Satan for everything stupid I do, too. It seems to work for Carrie, right? If Satan tempted her with the whole question on gay marriage, then Jesus must’ve turned her silicone implants into some kind of saline, right? Just helpin’ out here.

Have you see this show, Jon and Kate Plus 8?

Yeah. I’ve watched it a few times, and finally gave up because Kate is so incredibly mean and shrewish. Well, turns out that Jon got tired of it and is stepping out on Miss Kate with a teacher half his age named Deanna Hummel. He’s been over to her house and things have been happenin’, if you know what I mean. Bow chicka wow wow! Here’s a quote from her brother:

“A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

LOL! OMG, that made me totally snort water out my nose. Seriously though, I would think twice before angering Kate Gosselin - she is a bonafide whack job. You do not want to incur the wrath of this woman - his penis is guaranteed to end up in a field somewhere. Don’t believe me? Here are the top two clips of her nut job self:

Kate Gosselin is Nuts Part 1

Kate Gosselin is Nuts Part 2

See what I mean? Uh huh. Jon best keep it in his pants or else find some kind of radioactive meteor he can get hit with to develop a kickass super power that will help him withstand the wrath of SupaBiyatch!

Miss California Carrie Prejean has got some naughty, NAUGHTY pics circulating the Web, and since she’s riding high on the wake of her controversial gay marriage statements, this probably couldn’t have come at a worse time. Hello, skeleton in the closet! How are you? Here’s what she had to say about the photos:

“I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid website that openly mocks me for my Christian faith.

Uh, first of all, I doubt she even knows what the word “surreptitiously” means. Second of all, let’s not confuse the issue - we’re looking at your boobies, not your idea of being a Christian. Thirdly, HA! Karma is a bitch!

Now, this is the kind of guy I’d like to have on my side in a fight!! Kiefer Sutherland was at the Met Monday night along with a whole bunch of other folks, including designer Jack McCollough and Brooke Shields. Apparently the designer knocked Brooke over (why?) and when Kiefer demanded he apologize, he pushed him. YOU DO NOT PUSH JACK BAUER. Why? Because he will headbutt your ass! And that’s what Kiefer did. Bravo!

However, this might be bad for Kiefer, because he’s on probation for a DUI. Hopefully he won’t have to go to jail, since this sounds like this was in self-defense. And anyway, don’t they know that YOU DO NOT PUSH JACK BAUER?

So remember a couple weeks ago when Billy Bob Thornton acted like a big horse’s ass? Well, now he’s trying to explain his behavior, and justify it, which is basically like putting the toothpaste back into the tube - impossible, messy, and pointless. Here’s what he had to say on the Jimmy Kimmel show:

“The fact that that was news was astounding to me, but it gave hump back geeks all over the world something to do for a couple days days… I do that all the time! It’s not the first time…

“This woman said something she wasn’t supposed to say, and I said I received signals from Venus through a metal plate in my head… I told a DJ to kiss my ass, that’s all that happened.”

Is it just me, or does he sound like one of those people who need a good kick in the teeth every now and then? Yeah. Anyway, here’s the video:

Good morning, Snarkarinos! I hope you had a great weekend filled with lots of friends and naps and rainbows. My weekend was fantastic except now I have a filthy house because I skipped out on the all-important Saturday cleaning ritual. I’m thinking of just ignoring it, you know, just giving that kitchen the side-eye until it cleans itself. Think that will work? Yeah, me neither.

Okay, so “Slumdog Millionaire” child star Rubina Ali (pictured above in the blue) has kind of an arsehole for a dad, since he tried to SELL HER over the weekend to the highest bidder. Yes. Don’t they have a special category on eBay for that sort of thing? Anyway, apparently Rubina and her father met with some rich couple from Dubai at a hotel and the cash offer was around $300k. Dang. That’s a lot of money. >>calculating how much I could get for me kids, be right back<<< THAT’S AWFUL! I’m indignant, I tell you! Indignant!

Anywhodles, they turned the whole thing down, and of course there’s a lot of backpedaling now with Rubina’s dad saying that the media just “twisted” everything, bla bla bla. Personally, I don’t see how they could twist somebody trying to sell their kid, there’s not much more you could get out of that. Maybe they were just wanting to borrow her for a while? Rent-A-Kid?

Music producer Phil Spector has been found guilty of second-degree murder. He was convicted of murdering a gal pal who came back to get busy with him to his mansion; three hours after she got there, she was dead. Spector is expected to get at least 18 years, so basically he’s going to die in prison. Buh-bye, Philly! Tell Bubba hi for me!

Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show, has had some EPIC takedowns of political blowhards, and some hardy soul put together the top seven best in this video. Includes the Chris Matthews debate, which is particularly good. Enjoy!

Good news for Britney Spears and family; a judge today granted a three year restraining order against former boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, who basically was a big poo poo head, thus the restraining order. Not only did this guy push Britney around and make her do a whole bunch of stupid stuff, he also is under investigation for various felony charges, including assault with a deadly weapon, for an incident in which he allegedly hit a process server trying to deliver documents in the restraining order case.

Sounds like a peach of a guy! The restraining order is good until March 2012.