A mother of eight kids who has an extremely popular reality show probably shouldn’t be caught administering, uh, “discipline’ to her kids in front of her house, but Kate Gosselin seems to have some kind of weird appetite for public humiliation. Well, substitute the word “humiliation” for “attention” and you’d have it about right. Anyway, here’s how it went down: daughter Leah was blowing some kind of whistle while Kate was on the phone, Mom said knock it off, Leah was all like “bite me” and so Kate opened up a can of spankin’ whoop-ass. Exhibit A:

My mom spanked me and I’m okay…at least, after years of intensive therapy and hypnosis. Note: it’s not a good idea to stuff your pants with books and/or towels in hopes that Mom won’t notice that her hand is hitting a somewhat solid surface, instead of the plump tautness of your buttocks. Maybe Leah should have tried that, at least, keep it in mind for the next time she decides to take on Kate the Spankinator.

LeAnn Rimes is being accused of stalking her former supalovah, Eddie Cibrian, with whom she starred in an extremely forgettable Lifetime movie (she was caught on camera suckling his finger, which, yeah, I didn’t need that mental picture either). Eddie’s wife says that LeAnn needs to STEP OFF:

“She refuses to leave us alone — it is shameful and scary. People are going to say it takes two to tango and I get that, but at some point LeAnn needs to stop asking him to dance.”…”LeAnn is so desperate for fame she has left her self-respect in the gutter and doesn’t care who she hurts to get what she wants,” she charges. “She’s hurting my family and messing with the wrong mom.”

Ooh, I smell a catfight! MEOW! Pull up a lawnchair, grab a Mike’s, and get comfy, because I’m pretty sure this is going to get worse. Eddie had to change his phone number because LeAnn wouldn’t stop sexting him lovey dovey messages. I’m guessing he couldn’t stand the yodeling anymore? He better watch out or she’ll be boiling a rabbit!

Image details: 2008 Summer TCA Tour - Day 1 served by picapp.com

Methinks that Jane Seymour took her role as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman just a LITTLE too seriously, because now she’s giving out medical advice right and left. Here’s what she had to say to Angelina Jolie:
“My advice to her is to put some weight on. I think she needs to keep putting on weight so she can feed those babies. I don’t think she should think twice. She hasn’t put on enough weight.” She went on to say that she nearly died when she had her twins, “I had preclampsia, which is toxemia, and I had to have an emergency C-section and I almost lost my life. So my advice to her [Jolie] is to listen to your doctors and if they say bed rest and they say blood pressure cuff every hour and they say whatever medication they say, you should take it very seriously.” - source

Oh, thank you Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman! I’m sure that Angelina will certainly take this advice to heart, seeing as she’s IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW. Perhaps you could make yourself useful and whip up a few poultices or something? No? Oh, well. We’ve always got that nice looking Sully fellow:

Now I just giggled at this one. Seems as if Dawn Wells, who played the iconic Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island, got caught with some pot in her car while driving home from a party! She’s on six months probation, and that’s about it, but her lawyer wants to make an ass of himself and said she was “just trying to find the heater” in her new car. The heater connected to her bong pipe, you mean? Oh, okay! You go, Mary Ann!

Vagina, penis, what’s the big deal? Well, apparently it’s a HUGE FREAKING DEAL to Salma Hayek, who let it slip that she would preferred a strapping boy had crawled out of her loins, rather the girl who will most certain read this EXACT QUOTE in approximately 12. 5 years. Thanks Mom! I’ll just be putting the razor blades on your charge account!

“I have something to confess, I wanted a boy.”
Why?
“Probably because I was afraid,” she says. “I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.
“But now that she’s here, I’m so happy she’s a girl,” Hayek goes on to say. “And I can’t imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I’m in a
state of innocence where I love everything she does.”

- source

Good morning, Snarkarinos! So I’ve already introduced you to Harley the Wonder Dog:

Well, Harley has a new friend, and his name is Buddy:

Buddy is a golden retriever mix that was found wandering the streets; we found him at a local pet shelter and he is a big creampuff of lovin’. I highly recommend dogs and cats - we now have FIVE PETS and yes, it’s somewhat like Dr. Doolittle around here at times, but we love it.

On to the goss! First, Kate Hudson gets kind of catty.

We totally believe you, Kate. Uh huh.

So

I never really took Kate Hudson for the snarky type, but listen to what she says here about Katharine Heigl:

“Who is she?” Hudson, whose movie Fool’s Gold opened at No. 1 its first weekend, said in UK Elle. “Oh, that girl in 27 Dresses? I just don’t think about that stuff.”

- source

Wow, catty!! Of COURSE she knows who Katharine Heigl is - that’s ridiculous. She needs to shut up and go make another crappy movie with Owen Wilson or Matt McConaughey.

Next; Amy Winehouse has reached a new low.

A bacterial infection for Amy Winehouse? I don’t think so

So apparently Amy has been walking around a golfball-sized lump on her cheek. Her spokesperson says it’s impetigo, which if you didn’t know, is a really nasty skin infection you get from picking at your scabs. I know, nice mental image, right? However, her cheek wouldn’t swell up with that, absolutely not, so it’s more likely that she got hit really hard or she walked into a door or something, which with her current lifestyle, geez, any of the above would fit the bill. - source

Next: is it a boy for Jamie Lynn Spears?

Yep - looks like Jamie Lynn and Britney were shopping at a baby store this weekend and only bought blue stuff, so either Jamie Lynn is having a boy, or Britney (God forbid) is pregnant with number 3. I’m crossing my fingers for Jamie Lynn, because honestly, if Britney is sperminated again, I don’t know what kind of fresh nutwhackage she would unleash on the world at large. It would be truly frightening. - source

Next: Oscar winner Marion Cotillard makes some ill-considered remarks.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, but DAMN

Okay.

So there’s somewhat of a controversy over French actress Marion Cotillard’s remarks about 9-11:

I tend rather often to take the side of the conspiracy theory…. I’m not paranoid. It’s not paranoid because I think that they lie to us about an awful lot of things: Coluche, 9/11. You can see on the internet all the films of September 11 on the conspiracy theory. It’s fascinating, even addictive.

They show other towers of the same type that aeroplanes have run into and which burnt. There is a tower, in Spain I think, which burnt for 24 hours… It never collapsed. None of these towers collapse. But there (in New York), the thing collapses. Then afterwards you can talk about it for a long time. The towers of September 11 were stuffed with gold. And they were swallowing up cash because they were built, I gather, in 1973. And to re-cable all that, to modernise the technology and all of that, it was much more expensive to carry out the work than to destroy them.

…. Did man ever walk on the moon ? I have seen a lot of documentaries on that and really, I wonder. In any case, I do not believe everything they tell me. That’s for sure.

- source

Honestly? I think she just believes in conspiracy theories and decided to share. She probably believes in tinfoil hats to keep out the alien brainwaves, too.

Let’s see what else is going on today:

• You could win a Blake Lewis CD
• Hannah Montana movie update
• Paris Hilton is going to get her own reality show?
• Bad news for Will Farrell’s new movie

That’s it for this morning; until this afternoon, I leave you with this:

LOL! Awesome. See you later this afternoon!

Good morning, Snarkarinos! How are you this fine day? I went for another long walk this morning and I’m feeling good; every little bit helps, ya know? If any of you have some serious weight loss tips (I need to lose like 50 pounds), I’d sure appreciate ‘em. Or inspirational stories. Or something that will help me resist the smell of donut holes in the afternoon (I live up the street from a donut shop - I know, it’s soo cliche, but there it is).

Anyway, on to the goss! First, Kate Hudson naked.

A Naked Kate Hudson! Whoo! Boobies!

Well, not exactly naked so much as she’s just a nudist. Yep, apparently Kate Hudson has no qualms about walking around butt naked in her house. Well, shoot - me either! Of course, the neighbors didn’t exactly think too much of me when I was mowing the lawn wearing only a smile. - source

And speaking of Kate Hudson, rumor has it that she’s been seeing herself some Justin Timberlake on the down low. Well, honestly, who hasn’t, right?

Kate Hudson and Justin Timberlake? What what what?

I know, crazy, right? Here’s the scoop:

Last New Year’s Eve, Justin and Kate were rumoured to have hooked up during a house party at Kate’s. Justin fell in her pool, and she escorted him into the house to find a change of clothes. That porn movie cliché allegedly lead to a night of passion. She later denied the rumour to Cameron Diaz, who had split with Justin weeks earlier. Further spicing this dish up, Kate has been looking… how do we say this delicately?… a little “pregnant” in the “uterus” lately. Reps for Justin and Kate deny that they are together, but this rumour is so crazy it almost sounds true.

- via CelebEdge

So….would this be weird if it were true? Because honestly, Owen Wilson probably needs to up his meds if it is. Just sayin’. It’s a PRECAUTION.

Next! Britney Spears got to see her kids for the first time in six weeks yesterday - but only for three hours.

Britney Spears gets some quality time in with the kinder

It was happy momma time yesterday for Britney Spears: she finally got to have a little time with her kids. Not that she’s been missing them or anything - anytime she gets lonely, she just strokes her hair extensions and sings “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” if that happens. Here’s more:

Britney could soon be seeing her children up to three times a week if she abides by the visitation rules, and accepts that her father Jamie, her psychiatrist, a court-appointed monitor and a lawyer must all be present during the visits.

One of Kevin’s bodyguards must also be present.

A legal insider said: “It is a lot of people. But if Britney really wants her children back, she won’t complain.”

- source

Well, and that’s the real trick, now, isn’t it. I don’t think she really WANTS those kids back, because that would mean she would have to get her proverbial shit together. And we all know that’s not going to happen, right? RIGHT.

What else is going on today:

• Lindsay Lohan’s got a new movie
• Paris Hilton is dating Benji Madden
• Brad Pitt does a cameo for Jimmy Kimmel
• Rihanna buys some art
• Tilda Swinton is a very scary person

That’s it for this morning, scarce pickings, I know. Here’s a video to tide you over until this afternoon:

Crank This Soulja Boy

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Uh. No words. Talk to you later, sweet babies!

Good morning, Snarkarinos! Hope you all had a good night’s sleep and are ready to be all peppy and shit. Me, I went on a 3 mile walk this morning and I am FEELING IT. Hopefully it will cancel out the six Girl Scout Samoas I had last night while watching the Oscars.

Anyway, on to the goss! First, obviously the Oscars were last night. Here are some of my favoritest dresses.

Next: Jimmy Kimmel’s response to Sarah Silverman’s “I’m Fu**king Matt Damon.”

I’m Fu**king Ben Affleck!

TONS Of celebrity cameos in this one, including Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Robin Williams, and lots more!

Too funny. Josh Groban saying the F bomb?!?!?

Next: Jennifer Garner gets attacked on the red carpet.

Watch out, Jennifer Garner! It’s Gary Busey!

So how much crap did Gary Busey take before showing up at the Oscars in order to act like such an asshat? Here’s what happened: Ryan Seacrest was trying to talk to Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney when Gary Busey lumbered over and started manhandling everyone. Watch:

I’m wondering why Ryan Seacrest didn’t do more to get this obviously drunk or stoned guy off of these poor ladies, personally.

Next: Angelina Jolie is officially pregnant.

Angelina Jolie shows off her pregnant belly

Seriously, how cute is she? Rumor has it that she is pregnant with twins; I think she’s only three or four months along, so seeing how big her tummy is already that’s definitely a possibility. I say good for them - as long as they are keeping their relationship happy, and they’re both fine with this many kids, I don’t have any problem whatsoever with it. - source

Let’s see what else is going on today:

• Beyonce might be helping out Barack Obama
• Britney Spears had an evening out with Jamie Spears
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the Oscars
• Cate Blanchett is looking huge
• Jon Stewart’s Angelina joke at the Oscars

That’s it for this morning, my lovelies - until this afternoon, I leave you with this:

“Don’t talk back to Darth Vader, he’ll get ya!” OMG, too cute, I WANT A NEW BABY. Ahem. Talk to you later!

It just keeps getting better and better. In our daily Seriously What The F*%&, Britney Spears? moment, we have BritBrit being concerned that Kevin Federline is doing the weed around the kids. Well, of COURSE HE IS. How else is a busy father to cope with two growing boys?

A source told Life&Style , “Britney believes Kevin’s been smoking pot in front of the kids. She says she can smell it in the boys’ hair and on their clothes when she has her visitation with them.”

“She’s asked the court-appointed monitor and her lawyers if they can prove the kids have been exposed to environments in which drugs have been taken.” They told her to snip some of her boys’ hair right after they’ve been at KFed’s house. They can test the strands of hair. Don’t even let that moron near those children’s heads with scissors.

OMG, if I had to cope with Britney and Kevin on a daily basis I would be sipping the Mary Jane as fast as I could, are you kidding me?

via life and style

Lawsie mercy, you guys. Okay. So, I’ve introduced you to my dog Harley, right? (He’s the one in the Sponge Bob costume there.) Well, instead of doing his doggy business at 11 PM last night, you know, like NORMAL DOGS, he decides to wait until 2 AM and wake us up by whimpering and walking around frantically all over the house. That’s his version of jumping around on one foot holding his crotch, I guess.

And THEN, to further add to the pet infractions, one of my cats totally horked up….something…all over the floor like right in front of me this morning. So all of my pets are officially on my poop list; however, this really never lasts that long, basically because I’m a huge pushover (this is why I’m banned from PetSmart or any other pet stores, btw: I’ve come home with an animal or TWO every single fricking time. It’s pitiful.).

ANYWAY. On to the goss, of which I have quite a bit for you this morning - suhweet! Always good to have a lot of gossip on a Monday, you know, to start the week off right. First, the Dixie Chicks are on a personal crusade to free three men they think were wrongfully convicted:

The Dixie Chicks have a new controversy on their hands. In particular, lead singer Natalie Maines is urging people to contribute money to a defense fund for three Arkansas men that she (and many others) believe were wrongly convicted of killing three children in 1993.

- source
You can see this on the official Dixie Chicks site; on a completely inappropriate note, do you think someone should tell Natalie Maines to stop going for the whole pouty look? Because honestly, she looks like a pre-op trannie when she does that. Just sayin’.

Next, are Paul McCartney and Rosanna Arquette hooking up? It seems so; but then again, any woman that Paul spends more than five minutes with is going to get this kind of intense scrutiny. I don’t see him really wanting to pursue anything serious after the whole Heather Mills debacle.

Katharine Heigl is on the cover of Vanity Fair this month; she’s got a lot to say and unfortunately none of it is really interesting (believe me, I know - I slogged through all of it for you.). However, she done got herself all purtied up! Looky:

Ooh, and look at this one too:

Love this photoshoot; you can see the rest of it here. She’s so pretty that you don’t want to like her, but she’s very personable. Plus, that whole Grey’s Anatomy storyline with her and Denny? I mean, COME ON. Ridiculous. I cried enough to embarrass myself, and then I cried a little bit more.

Well! We’ve got us some more Heather Mills porno pics. Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you just SO GLAD??

She pulled down her top to expose her boobs and splayed her legs in this classic porn magazine pose.

And in another of the explicit shots — taken before she lost her leg in a 1993 road accident-she writhed knickerless on a white quilted bed, cupping her naked breasts.

Across the pages of the smutty mag, pouting Heather boasts: “I’m gonna drive you crazy with my body…”.

Awwww, yeah. -source Okay, so cue the corny porno music, because HERE WE GO:

You can see the non-censored pics here; if you DO actually click through, could you perhaps tell me why her aerolas are so ginormous? Because I’m puzzled by that.

Jennifer Lopez is showing off her belly; the bigger she gets, the more corpse-like Skeletor, er, Marc Anthony, looks. I think JLo should start slipping him some of her prenatal vitamins.

-source

Next: do you know who this guy is in the blue? You know, the one who looks like he’s about to have a coronary?

Did you guess? It’s Mr. Madonna, also known as Guy Ritchie. Apparently he’s taken up jujitsu. Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if we saw him getting all Matrix with Madge? I would pay cash money to see that fight. - source

Okay kids - hold on to your pancakes, because we’re going to venture somewhere few people have dared to venture (btw, if you say the word “venture” over and over again, it doesn’t sound like a word anymore. Try it.). Are you ready? Okay, I warned you:

That horribly awkward Ebony magazine last month with Michael Jackson on the cover? Well, this is the reality, kids. Apparently, there is a top-secret version of Photoshop sold ONLY to those unfortunates that have to photograph celebrities that need a lot of extra help; this exclusive software includes a special spackle brush, as well as the Honky-Izer, the GetRidOfThatPeskySkinPigment tool, and of course, the Good God - What Did You Do To Yourself? button. I think you can buy it at Wal-Mart. - source

Oh! And there was a little, teensy wensy event yesterday, you MIGHT have heard about it. Something about the Spice Girls kicking off their world tour?

Who am I kidding - I would have LOVED to gone see them in concert. Anyone out there got tickets? Here’s another pic for you; this one is of Geri Halliwell. While I admire her for her obviously strict fitness regime, I do have give a little “What The?” on those legs. They sorta scare me a little.

- source

Hey! Guess what! It’s time for the daily Seriously, What The F&%*, Britney Spears? moment!
Rumors just will NOT go away that Britney “Fertile Myrtle” Spears is pregnant, this time by one of her backup dancers named…wait for it….Chuck. I think it’s time to ditch the backup dancers, Brit - I just don’t think it’s working out for you. Remember what we talked about last week?

Really, I do believe many of your problems could be solved with this simple solution.

Hey, guess what? Amy Winehouse has TOTALLY gotten her act together, yalls.

Ahem. Well, substitute the phrase “gotten her act together” for “walking around half-naked and disoriented last night” and you’d be closer to the mark.

Onlookers said she appeared disorientated as she wandered around on the pavement for several minutes in the freezing cold before disappearing back inside.
The 24-year-old singer, who cancelled her UK tour last week, has ignored pleas from her family to seek help for her addiction to drugs.
They had hoped that she would return to the Causeway Clinic in Essex, where she has already had two failed attempts to get herself clean.
Instead, she has been ‘resting’ at a friend’s house in East London.
Quite why she came outside only half dressed in the early hours is unclear. One onlooker said she looked up and down the road as if she was waiting for someone, but no one arrived at the house.
“She came out of the house, walked down the drive and wandered around on the pavement for a bit.
“She looked upset and agitated but there was no obvious reason for her to have come outside. It was weird.”

- source
Well, we don’t know what she was doing….maybe she had forgotten to close the side passenger door on her van and hey guess what? Now it’s all wet! Actually, that would be ME that did that, but you probably already figured that out. Right?

Oh, and Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon joined the Mile High Club this weekend. UH HUH. Yes, they were flying together from Frankfort to Los Angeles, got bored, and decided to bonk in the toilet for 11 minutes. Okay, first of all: GROSS. Second, I hate these stupid sex in the airplane toilet bathroom stories, because anyone who has been on an airplane for more than FIVE FRIGGIN SECONDS knows that those bathrooms are so tiny it’s hard to put one person in there, let alone two. Third, GROSS. -source
Oh, by the way? Did you know that Lil Kim is an instrument of God?

She is a stunning young lady. This video actually made me tear up a little, but then I thought about it and started giggling instead. She is such a dumbass.

Okay, what else do we gots today sweet babies:

• Kate Moss is topless and sunbathing in Mexico
• Sylvester Stallone got a bigass tattoo of his wife on his bicep
• Patti LaBelle talks about lipstick lesbians
• Wonder Woman has been officially cast

That’s about it for today. My cat is looking at me; I think she knows I posted the news that she horked on this blog; she’s sensitive that way. Until tomorrow, I leave you with this to ponder:

See you Tuesday, my loverlies!