Image details: Britney Spears and her Mom out and about in Los Angeles served by picapp.com

Wow. A final custody agreement has been reached in the whole Spears/Federline debacle, and guess what? Kevin gets to keep the kids, completely. Britney can have two visits per week, which includes one overnight visit, and that is IT. She might get expanded time with the kids if she ever gets her act together, but we all know how possible that is, right?

Honestly, do you know how bad of a mother you have to be to have the kids given to the father? This whole thing is tragic. Those kids are going to be so messed up….it boggles the mind. I kid you not, in ten years or so, we’re going to see all sorts of horrible antics that Sean and Jayden are up to. Plus, I bet you anything that Britney is going to pop out a few more kids…it’s the white trash way!

Image details: Sharon Stone Hosts The ScandinavianStyle Mansion served by picapp.com

So apparently after she saw sister Jamie Lynn give birth to Maddie Briann, Britney Spears had a secret little breakdown. Here’s more:
According to Britain’sNow magazine, after Britney saw her new niece, Maddie, in McComb, Mississippi, she cut her trip short and flew back to LA, where she was pictured in floods of tears.
And for the next two days, says the publication, Britney’s dad Jamie — who is staying with the troubled star because he’s in control of all her affairs — became more anxious about his daughter’s deteriorating state.
A source says Britney was “a bit dazed and distant”, wouldn’t answer any of her dad’s questions and “had no enthusiasm for anything”.
And on June 21, at around 9.30pm, Jamie found his daughter naked on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically and mumbling to herself about wanting a baby girl.
Jamie rang the doctor, who rushed to Britney’s side and diagnosed a breakdown.
A source says, “Seeing her little sister give birth was too much for Britney. It made her realize what a mess she’s in. She’s insanely jealous of Jamie Lynn having a girl because she’s always been desperate for a daughter.
‘Jamie found her sobbing her heart out and repeating: ‘It’s not fair, Dad, it’s not fair.’
“He sat with her, cuddled her and stroked her hair. Then he got her some clothes and helped her into the bedroom before calling the doctor, who ordered her to rest.
“They bumped up her Melleril and Ativan because of the drama she was creating.” - source

Okay, huh? She’s crying over having a daughter, yet she is so messed up in the head that she’s not even allowed to see her own two boys? She has two kids that she obviously doesn’t give a flying squirrel about, and she’s so zonked out on some major drugs that it would actually be dangerous for her to be around ANY children, moving machinery, or open water bottles. For reals, yall. It sounds like she’s just jealous that Jamie Lynn is getting all the attention right now, instead of her - it’s time for another crazy head-shaving episode, probably!

OMG - this impersonator is better than the real Britney Spears! Here he/she is performing Britney Spears’ Toxic:

Image details: Britney Spears Performs In San Diego served by picapp.com

Hey, you cute little Snarkarinos, you. Guess what I’m doing right now…..no, I’m NOT eating a whole box of donuts while watching my “Sex and the City” DVD’s, but that sounds a helluva lot better than what I’ve really got going on, which is sitting with a heating pad turned to BURN on my neck, a weird donut shape pillow around my face, and three ultra-strength muscle relaxants. Guys, I tweaked my neck BUT GOOD. I’m contemplating taking another Tylenol Extra Strength but I think I might, you know, bust my liver or something.

Anyhoodles! Supernanny star Jo Frost is offering her parenting expertise to Britney Spears basically so she can stop embarrassing herself and keep her boys from hating her when they get older.Well, at least hate her TOO much. How much do you love Jo Frost? I don’t have rotten kids (most of the time) or I would so have her over to my house, just to see her put somebody in the Naughty Chair. I love that freaking Naughty Chair! Here’s an example of how badass Jo Frost is:

Seriously, I would be hard pressed to not beat the living daylights lovingly disclipline that kid. She really should look into some Children’s Benadryl. Just sayin’.

Remember these two lovebirds?

Image details: Rolling Stone Celebrates 2006 Grammy Nominees With Kanye West - Arrivals???? ??????? ?????? served by picapp.com

Seems as if Britney and Kevin are getting a little on the side. Basically, here’s how it works: Britney calls Kevin about some kid-related thing, and the talk veers off into Sexy Land, with a side trip to Freaky Naughty. However, I *am* a bit concerned about all this, because phone sex to Britney probably means that she’s literally having sex with the phone. Word to the wise: if you see a crusty looking cell on eBay for cheap? PASS.

Image details: Sharon Stone Hosts The ScandinavianStyle Mansion served by picapp.com

Rumor has it that Britney Spears might be inking a representation deal with Bally’s Fitness clubs. She’s working out at her local facility two or three times a day (no kids and no career, so what the hell else does she have to do, right?) with a Bally’s trainer.

I dunno - pretty much anything that Britney puts her hands to these days turns to shiznit, so Bally’s better watch out. I wouldn’t personally purchase anything that Cooch Girl was endorsing, but that’s just me!

Image details: Sweden: Britney Spears Plays Stockholm served by picapp.com

That Britney! Always something happening, never a dull moment. Well, this weekend Brit Brit apparently was drunk and stoned lost her concentration and drove her Mercedes right into the car in front of her, causing a three car fender bender. What a ditz. Nobody was hurt, and Britney has yet another “did I do that?!?!?” moment on her bedpost.

Image details: Sharon Stone Hosts The ScandinavianStyle Mansion served by picapp.com

In yet another move of staggering genius, Britney Spears is apparently shopping around her own reality show. Basically, she loves the idea because A)she would get constant attention and B) she wouldn’t have to learn any lines.

Personally, I love this idea. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Britney walking around with a British accent flashing her cooch and having nervous breakdowns all the time? OH, WAIT. WE ALREADY HAVE SEEN THAT.

Image details: Sharon Stone Hosts The ScandinavianStyle Mansion served by picapp.com

Let me tell you what kind of furniture I have in my house right now:

• Milk crates
• Garage sale couch
• Ikea!

However, my dreams have come true with the announcement that Britney Spears has put down the crack pipe long enough to….wait for it…..start her own furniture line. Yes, it’s true - now you too can have your very own Cheeto-stained couch straight from the Britney Spears Quality Furniture Factory:

Spies say Spears pere is in talks with Danish celebrity broker Claus Hjelmbak to “bring Danish accent pieces to the United States . . . Britney will be the face of the brand.” The insider tells us that Hjelmbak and Jamie Spears have been working out the deal for more than two months. Hjelmbak and Britney met at the Scandinavian Style Mansion back in December 2007, when Britney was reportedly paid $1 million to celebrate her birthday at the event, hosted by Sharon Stone.

JAYSUS. Yeah, like anyone is going to be buying this shiznit? “Welcome to my home, and why yes! That IS an original Britney Spears! What gave it away…..the Red Bull trim? the shaved cooch highlights? Oh, I know! It HAD to be the subtle smell of FAIL.”

I never thought I would see the day, but Kevin Federline is actually impressing me right now. Listen to what he has to say about parenting:

“I will always love the mothers of my children, and I will always be there for both of them.”

On his long-term goals:
“I’m going to be the best role model for my kids. And if that example helps other young, single dads who might be going through the same experiences that I am right now, it would be a great compliment.” - source

I know, right? I mean, sure, he probably hired someone like, uh, The Wiggles to write this little speech for him, but still. I’m impressed.

Toot Toot Chugga Chugga indeed.