OMG - this impersonator is better than the real Britney Spears! Here he/she is performing Britney Spears’ Toxic:

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Hey, you cute little Snarkarinos, you. Guess what I’m doing right now…..no, I’m NOT eating a whole box of donuts while watching my “Sex and the City” DVD’s, but that sounds a helluva lot better than what I’ve really got going on, which is sitting with a heating pad turned to BURN on my neck, a weird donut shape pillow around my face, and three ultra-strength muscle relaxants. Guys, I tweaked my neck BUT GOOD. I’m contemplating taking another Tylenol Extra Strength but I think I might, you know, bust my liver or something.

Anyhoodles! Supernanny star Jo Frost is offering her parenting expertise to Britney Spears basically so she can stop embarrassing herself and keep her boys from hating her when they get older.Well, at least hate her TOO much. How much do you love Jo Frost? I don’t have rotten kids (most of the time) or I would so have her over to my house, just to see her put somebody in the Naughty Chair. I love that freaking Naughty Chair! Here’s an example of how badass Jo Frost is:

Seriously, I would be hard pressed to not beat the living daylights lovingly disclipline that kid. She really should look into some Children’s Benadryl. Just sayin’.

Remember these two lovebirds?

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Seems as if Britney and Kevin are getting a little on the side. Basically, here’s how it works: Britney calls Kevin about some kid-related thing, and the talk veers off into Sexy Land, with a side trip to Freaky Naughty. However, I *am* a bit concerned about all this, because phone sex to Britney probably means that she’s literally having sex with the phone. Word to the wise: if you see a crusty looking cell on eBay for cheap? PASS.

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Rumor has it that Britney Spears might be inking a representation deal with Bally’s Fitness clubs. She’s working out at her local facility two or three times a day (no kids and no career, so what the hell else does she have to do, right?) with a Bally’s trainer.

I dunno - pretty much anything that Britney puts her hands to these days turns to shiznit, so Bally’s better watch out. I wouldn’t personally purchase anything that Cooch Girl was endorsing, but that’s just me!

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That Britney! Always something happening, never a dull moment. Well, this weekend Brit Brit apparently was drunk and stoned lost her concentration and drove her Mercedes right into the car in front of her, causing a three car fender bender. What a ditz. Nobody was hurt, and Britney has yet another “did I do that?!?!?” moment on her bedpost.

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In yet another move of staggering genius, Britney Spears is apparently shopping around her own reality show. Basically, she loves the idea because A)she would get constant attention and B) she wouldn’t have to learn any lines.

Personally, I love this idea. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Britney walking around with a British accent flashing her cooch and having nervous breakdowns all the time? OH, WAIT. WE ALREADY HAVE SEEN THAT.

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Let me tell you what kind of furniture I have in my house right now:

• Milk crates
• Garage sale couch
• Ikea!

However, my dreams have come true with the announcement that Britney Spears has put down the crack pipe long enough to….wait for it…..start her own furniture line. Yes, it’s true - now you too can have your very own Cheeto-stained couch straight from the Britney Spears Quality Furniture Factory:

Spies say Spears pere is in talks with Danish celebrity broker Claus Hjelmbak to “bring Danish accent pieces to the United States . . . Britney will be the face of the brand.” The insider tells us that Hjelmbak and Jamie Spears have been working out the deal for more than two months. Hjelmbak and Britney met at the Scandinavian Style Mansion back in December 2007, when Britney was reportedly paid $1 million to celebrate her birthday at the event, hosted by Sharon Stone.

JAYSUS. Yeah, like anyone is going to be buying this shiznit? “Welcome to my home, and why yes! That IS an original Britney Spears! What gave it away…..the Red Bull trim? the shaved cooch highlights? Oh, I know! It HAD to be the subtle smell of FAIL.”

I never thought I would see the day, but Kevin Federline is actually impressing me right now. Listen to what he has to say about parenting:

“I will always love the mothers of my children, and I will always be there for both of them.”

On his long-term goals:
“I’m going to be the best role model for my kids. And if that example helps other young, single dads who might be going through the same experiences that I am right now, it would be a great compliment.” - source

I know, right? I mean, sure, he probably hired someone like, uh, The Wiggles to write this little speech for him, but still. I’m impressed.

Toot Toot Chugga Chugga indeed.

I don’t know about this rumor, but here we go: apparently, Kevin Federline was talking with some gossip columnist and told him that he still had feelings for Britney Spears and wanted to get back together with her. Do you think this would be a good thing or bad thing? Might be good for the kids, but dang - Britney needs to get her own stuff together before she does anything like that.

LOL! Oh who am I kidding. Girl is so screwed up at this point that even Kevin Federline can’t do much to bring her down!

So Madonna wants everyone to leave Britney Spears alone, apparently- and she wants everyone to “go save her” as well. Hmmm……what does this remind me of? Oh, I know!