Ay yi yi, I walk away from the Internets for FIVE MINUTES and all heckfire has broken loose. Can’t a girl wallow in the sunshine eating bonbons like a CIVILIZED person? Sheesh!

Anywhodles, Snarkarinos, we all know that Madonna was denied adoption this week of a new kid to add to her growing arsenal of walking, talking accessories. Too bad they don’t come stamped with the labels Gucci, Prada, or Chanel, right? Madge actually was stopped in her tracks by the Malawaian gubmint, mostly because she doesn’t satisfy the residency requirement, but also because she’s gone back to her raging skanky ways and they are THINKING OF THE CHILDREN!!!

So the poor Kabbalah nutball had to fly herself home via a private plane yesterday, but she does plan to appeal the judge’s ruling. Except, well, uh, guess who showed up all of a sudden? Daddy! Yes, mysteriously he’s decided to come forward once he heard a “famous pop star” was thinking about adopting his meal ticket abandoned baby girl!

One person at least had something nice to say about the Material Girl - her ex-husbandGuy Ritchie:

“I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened that her application has been rejected. She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.”

If you listen very closely, you can almost hear him laughing. Creepy!

Yes, well, that’s enough Madge Vadge news for the day, I think. Here’s SNL’s skit from Saturday night pairing Angelina Jolie against Madonna for the Ultimate Baby Smackdown - watch:

Ruh roh, Shaggy! Looks like the Madonna Love Shack might be finally feeling the recession!

Yep, it’s true - Madge’s Vadge is a troublemaker, folks, because though she wants to adopt another child from Malawi, her public flings with a married man and some guy named Jesus are making adoption officials think twice:

“The news she is linked to another woman’s husband and a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.”

The agency did go on to say that the adoption will PROBABLY still go through, because hello? She’s MADONNA, for Pete’s sake - she could make out with a giraffe and film herself braiding her armpit hair in a vat of chocolate pudding and she’d still get a kid. Meanwhile, thousands of couples who’ve been waiting in line for a baby are turned away, right? Maybe they should take a page from Madge’s playbook and just start rocking the freaking casbah!

So Madonna is already hitting the dating scene since her divorce with Guy Ritchie, and who has she chosen for her first public dinner date? Why, a 22 year old model named, appropriately, Jesus. I’ve heard of trying to hold on to your youth, but this is just getting silly now. Or maybe she’s just auditioning this guy for her daughter Lourdes?

image: Bauer-Griffin

Man, this was fast! According to two different sources, Madonna and soon to be ex Guy Ritchie are already moving on to new relationships, Guy with millionaire (and ex of Hugh Grant) Jemima Khan, and Madonna with some model from Brazil named Jesus. Boy, I don’t think that the ink is even dry on the divorce papers yet, is it?

So the divorce proceedings between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is heating up, with most of the sniping coming from Madge’s camp. Guy is actually behaving like quite the gentleman, while every day I’m reading something new from Madonna or her publicity people about how awful everything has been.

Anyway, Madonna has announced that she has no plans to move completely out of London after the divorce, although there have been rumors to the contrary. The kids - Lourdes, Rocco, and David - are all settled there, and she’s got a ton of property there, and anyway, what would she do with her wonderful fake English accent?

As an aside, check out these pictures of Guy and Madonna at their wedding - Guy Ritchie Madonna Wedding Pictures.

Even though we all saw this coming a long, LONG time ago, it’s still kinda sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are calling it quits on their 8 year marriage. A statement from their publicists asks for privacy during this difficult time, so standard line there.

The couple will have to work out a few issues, namely how to divide their $525 million fortune. Naturally, most of that is from Madonna, but Guy’s no slacker in the money department. Most likely the biggest problem will be what to do with the three kids: Lourdes, Rocco, and baby David.

Move over, Web MD. You’ve got new competition in Guy Ritchie, self-proclaimed sugar expert. He went on the record yesterday to say that sugar kills more people than crack. ARGUABLY. Yes, that’s the key word. Here’s what he had to say:

“Sugar kills. Think of the calories in sugar. Fat kills more people than anything else. Sugar is responsible for a lot of deaths, arguably more than crack cocaine”.

Okay, I’ll give him that there’s a big problem with obesity in the States. He actually makes a lot of sense. But I would love to ask him what he thought of his wife Madonna’s last album, which was titled….wait for it….”Hard Candy”. Irony much?

Image details: null served by picapp.com

My goodness. This whole Madonna and A-Rod thing is just getting sillier by the minute. What’s the newest? Well, here we go, folks:

“I believe he was having an affair with Madonna,” she told a friend, who spoke anonymously for fear of angering A-Rod. “She said she found a letter where Alex told Madonna: ‘You are my true soulmate.’”

Um, and guess what else? Cynthia just gave birth to their second daughter TEN WEEKS AGO. So what in the world is this guy stepping out on her for? Oh, and there’s more:

“I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him,” Cynthia Rodriguez told the friend. “I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.” - source

Ick. I really hope this is all just a tempest in a teapot, but honestly, with Madonna’s track record, she is MORE than due for a bit of shakin’ up, know what I mean? What do you think?

Image details: Cannes 2008: amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS 2008 - Arrivals served by picapp.com

Dear Public People Who Buy All My Shizznit And Keep Me In Fresh Botox:

You might have heard a few rumors that my lackey husband and I are getting divorced. Nothing could be further from the truth! We are soulmates, people! WE COMPLETE EACH OTHER. It’s just that simple. Plus, we have 3 kids, and we are GOOD PARENTS. We have a LOVING MARRIAGE. Everything is just FINE.

Guy’s alcoholic control freak mother, Lady Something or Other, had this to say about us. She’s so nice. I love my mother in law. I DO. Happy, happy, happy!

“They are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes and marriages are not always a bed of roses,” she told the Mail on Sunday. “I’ll say it one more time, they are not getting divorced; the speculation is TT - that’s total tosh.”

See? TT, love! That’s how we English people say stuff. We’re very posh over here on the other side of the pond. And happy! Did I mention we’re happy? Floating in happiness! Sloshing around in it! So much happy it’s coming out of our pores!

Love, Madonna

P.S. Happy!

Hola, Snarkarinos! It’s Friday, and you know what THAT means…..yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Maybe we should designate Friday as “Cheese Day”? Lame, I know.

Anyway, here’s the video from the Today Show confirming that yes, Madonna is finally freeing her shackled husband from her veiny tentacles. Glory Hallelujah!

I’m surprised it took this long. Madge needs more time to herself anyway; Guy was getting too needy. She needs to get back to Vogueing and Expressing Herself. Maybe she needs to take a Holiday? On La Isla Bonita?