Image details: Cannes 2008: ‘Two Lovers’ - Photocall served by picapp.com

Hola, you lovely Snarkarinos! Sorry for not checking in with you yesterday, but I just couldn’t get it together, what with all the muscle relaxants I was on. I think I told you I tweaked the HELL out of my neck, right? Well, it’s slowly getting better but I was seriously stoned out of my gourd yesterday. I kid you not.

Anyway, Gwynnie Paltrow wants us all to know that her va-jay-jay has NOT retired, in fact, she might make it do some more forced labor, you know, because we need more kids with names like Apple and Moses. What do you think she’ll name the next one - Super Biscuit?:

On how her pregnancy differed from her mother’s (Blythe Danner): “I may force myself to do it one more time because the result is so worth it. And also my dad said to me that his only regret in life was that he had only two children and he didn’t have more… My mother loved each [pregnancy] to bits; she felt alive and beautiful. I wanted to throw up all the time.”
On being very open to adoption: “I do feel we’re so fortunate, and we kind of owe it to humanity. We have a lot of love to give and a lot of resources.”
On her support for Barack Obama: “I don’t feel there’s any lip service with [Obama]. I don’t feel like he’s one of those jaded politicos who say one thing and are talking out of both sides of their mouth. I also feel we’ve done such damage to our reputation – and as someone who lives outside America for half the year, I overhear things that I wish I didn’t overhear. A lot of people in the West think that we’re not very sensitive to the rest of the world, and I think that having a president called Barack Hussein Obama in 2008 says that we are part of the world, and we don’t want to make unilateral decisions about the fate of all of us. I just pray to God that he wins.”

Okay, first? You “owe it to humanity”? Who talks like that? Did you get that out of some Chicken Soup for the Soul crapfest? And how does having a president with a different NAME say that we are part of the world? Here’s a better idea: why don’t we get our sorry asses out of Iraq, bring our soldiers home safely, and THEN we’ll talk about being part of the freaking world. Hmph.

Image details: Cannes 2008: ‘Two Lovers’ - Photocall served by picapp.com

Oh, my. Mario Batali, a Food Network regular (any other Food Network fans out there? I lurve me some Paula Deen!) says that he thinks Gwynnie works out three hours a day. Judging from her figure, I’d say that’s probably a good guess. And honestly, why shouldn’t she? She’s extremely wealthy, she’s got nannies and hangers on that carry out her every whim, what the hell else does she have to do other than run laps and do crunches?

If I had the time I would probably work out three hours a day too, but I’m a little too busy doing something called “having a life”; you know, parenting my kids, flirting with my husband, working, etc. That kind of stuff. Seriously, if someone told me they worked out three hours a day I would probably never stop laughing. How utterly pretentious and self-indulgent do you have to be in order to justify that!

Image details: Premiere Of Paramount’s "Iron Man" - Arrivals served by picapp.com

Gwynnie wants us all to know that popping watermelons out of your va-jay-jay? Why, it’s available to ANYONE WHO WANTS IT.
She said: “The most euphoria I have ever experienced was having a baby - and that’s something most women can and will experience in their lives. I think God did a good job with that one. That the most satisfying human experience out there is available to just about everyone who wants it.”
Really? Because my Uncle JoJo who likes to dress up in his wife’s party dresses has been wanting to birth himself some babies for a while now. Has there been some kind of paradigm shift in the universe that only Gwyneth Paltrow is aware of that makes it possible for him to pop out a puppy?

Oh, Gwynnie. Did the 70’s teach you NOTHING, my dear? Here’s what Gwyneth decided to wear to the premiere of “Iron Man”:

Image details: Premiere Of Paramount’s "Iron Man" - Arrivals served by picapp.com

Unfortunately, her Iron Cameltoe is the ONLY thing memorable about this outfit. Ba-ZING!