O noes! Jamie Lynn Spears baby daddy Casey Aldridge has been seriously injured in a car accident. Apparently he has a cracked skull and has been fading in and out of consciousness; Jamie Lynn and his sister are right there holding a vigil and singing “Kum Ba Yah” (too soon?). Anyway, doctors expect that he’ll be fine; it’s less serious that they originally thought. Get well soon Casey!

Jennifer Hudson, who we haven’t heard from in a while (right?) is engaged to her boyfriend named……wait for it…..Punk, who apparently was on some reality show? I dont’ know. Anyway, they’ve been going out for less than a year and now are set to tie the knot.

Anyone know what happened to her previous boyfriend? They’d been engaged for EVER, they grew up together or something. I hope this wasn’t a case of fame went to my head and I kicked you to the curb, but it definitely wouldn’t be the first time.

For pete’s sake. Anyone who buys this book from Lynne Spears expecting to get some good parenting tips is going to be in for QUITE the surprise. Here are some more snippets:

On Britney’s breakdowns and marriages
Lynne Spears recalls feeling “shock and dismay” at seeing her daughter shave her head, at her brief marriages to childhood friend Jason Alexander and dancer-rapper Kevin Federline, and her highly publicized custody battles over her two children. She also recalls feeling she had been “punched in the stomach” when she learned that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant at age 16.

On Britney’s mothering skills and failed relationships
She praises Federline as a “caring daddy” and says Britney Spears is “an amazing mother,” but only when at her best. Lynne Spears also writes warmly of her daughter’s former boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, but says the willful nature of the young couple helped break them up.

On Britney’s very public breakdowns
The bottom came in the past two years with Britney Spears’ increasingly disturbing public behavior and her drugged private life in her Malibu, Calif., house. Lynne Spears writes that she was distraught as then-manager Sam Lutfi told her he was grinding pills and putting them in Britney’s food, hoping to induce a coma that would enable doctors to cure her of all addictions. Britney Spears was hospitalized twice this year, the second time in February, when paramedics took her to the psychiatric ward of the UCLA Medical Center, where her mother says she finally received the care she needed. - source

Ugh. I think it’s utterly disgusting how she’s painting herself to be this great mother. Although Britney certainly did put her through the wringer (and I bet you anything we’re not done yet).

OMG! Like, seriously, I would NEVER have guessed that an 18 year old would cheat on his pregnant 17 year old girlfriend, would you? YEAH.

The surprise of the century has been revealed, folks. 28-year-old (ten years older than Casey) Kelli Dawson reveals that she and Casey, 19, were romantically involved — and were still sleeping together when Jamie Lynn, now 17, was six months pregnant with his child. But this was no fleeting romance, yalls! Casey and Kelli’s relationship was both real and lasting — and it grew in intensity, even as Jamie Lynn announced she was pregnant. Kelli says: “I see him all the time, at least once a week,” she gushes. And we know WHY, right? They wanted to discuss their love of great philosophers, of course. I think Jamie Lynn is better off, personally - this guy sounds like a bigtime loser.

You can see the first photos of Maddie Briann here. Jamie Lynn Spears looks like she’s holding her little sister. I still find this whole thing very sad.

In an accompanying article, Jamie had a few things to say about what kind of parent she plans on being:

“Mama has been here a bunch,” she said. “She wants to see the baby all the time. She told me the doctors are always going to be real strict and tell you, `Don’t do this and don’t do that.’ Just follow your instincts. You’re the mother and you know what your baby needs. That’s what I’ve done and it seems to have worked.”….”I would love being the soccer mom,” she said. “They don’t have soccer down here, but I would love being the softball mom driving the kids around.” - source

I’m just…..wow. Wow. Thanks, Jamie Lynn, for making pregnancy seem fun and glamorous to all the girls out there who don’t have the big bucks to have their own house with their live-in boyfriend at age 16 and have big sister pay all the bills. And what ambition you have, to be a Southern Soccer Mom! Really, I’m proud of you. Seriously, I am so glad that the Spears family is getting the respect they deserve with the constant white trash decisions that seem to be their trademark….it gives me hope that maybe, one day, if I’m lucky, MY kids will strip naked on stage, have a series of mental breakdowns, get pregnant at 16, and make millions of dollars at the same time! Something to look forward to!

Newscom

Lynne Spears is my kind of delusional wackjob. She’s writing a parenting book about how hard it is to be a mother, but LOOK HOW SHE HAS TRIUMPHED. Really, look. LOOK. You can see, right? Hmmm.

Anyway, because of her daughters’ Britney and Jamie Lynn’s various screwups in the past few months (getting pregnant, getting stupid,etc.) this gripping mothering manual has been postponed until September. Lynne better hope that these two geniuses don’t do anything else to delay this book, although from their track record, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Here’s what Lynne’s rep had to say about her Pulitzer-worthy work:

“When Jamie Lynn got pregnant, it was put on hold,” a rep for publisher Thomas Nelson Inc. told People. “Lynne never stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother’s eyes.”
Based in Nashville, Tenn., Thomas Nelson Inc. also publishes Bibles, Christian fiction and nonfiction books and children’s books.
“[It] will not be a parenting book,” the rep added. “It’s [Lynne’s] story of what it was like being a mom and raising two very famous people. It’s a memoir.” - source

Oh, hell yes. I’m going to buy ten copies and use it as a stocking stuffer. It’s going to be that good.

So apparently, a teenage pregnancy is great for career enhancement, because Jamie Lynn Spears is coming to ABC to play a “troubled student” in some Lifetime-ish special about a teacher who turns around some kids that “that nobody believes in” BUT SHE DOES and then they all end up standing on their desks at the end of the movie saying “Oh Captain My Captain”. Ashton Kutcher also stars, which gave me a “WTF?” moment. The show is called “Miss Guided” and is set to air March 20. Set your Tivos!

Good morning, Snarkarinos! So I’ve already introduced you to Harley the Wonder Dog:

Well, Harley has a new friend, and his name is Buddy:

Buddy is a golden retriever mix that was found wandering the streets; we found him at a local pet shelter and he is a big creampuff of lovin’. I highly recommend dogs and cats - we now have FIVE PETS and yes, it’s somewhat like Dr. Doolittle around here at times, but we love it.

On to the goss! First, Kate Hudson gets kind of catty.

We totally believe you, Kate. Uh huh.

So

I never really took Kate Hudson for the snarky type, but listen to what she says here about Katharine Heigl:

“Who is she?” Hudson, whose movie Fool’s Gold opened at No. 1 its first weekend, said in UK Elle. “Oh, that girl in 27 Dresses? I just don’t think about that stuff.”

- source

Wow, catty!! Of COURSE she knows who Katharine Heigl is - that’s ridiculous. She needs to shut up and go make another crappy movie with Owen Wilson or Matt McConaughey.

Next; Amy Winehouse has reached a new low.

A bacterial infection for Amy Winehouse? I don’t think so

So apparently Amy has been walking around a golfball-sized lump on her cheek. Her spokesperson says it’s impetigo, which if you didn’t know, is a really nasty skin infection you get from picking at your scabs. I know, nice mental image, right? However, her cheek wouldn’t swell up with that, absolutely not, so it’s more likely that she got hit really hard or she walked into a door or something, which with her current lifestyle, geez, any of the above would fit the bill. - source

Next: is it a boy for Jamie Lynn Spears?

Yep - looks like Jamie Lynn and Britney were shopping at a baby store this weekend and only bought blue stuff, so either Jamie Lynn is having a boy, or Britney (God forbid) is pregnant with number 3. I’m crossing my fingers for Jamie Lynn, because honestly, if Britney is sperminated again, I don’t know what kind of fresh nutwhackage she would unleash on the world at large. It would be truly frightening. - source

Next: Oscar winner Marion Cotillard makes some ill-considered remarks.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, but DAMN

Okay.

So there’s somewhat of a controversy over French actress Marion Cotillard’s remarks about 9-11:

I tend rather often to take the side of the conspiracy theory…. I’m not paranoid. It’s not paranoid because I think that they lie to us about an awful lot of things: Coluche, 9/11. You can see on the internet all the films of September 11 on the conspiracy theory. It’s fascinating, even addictive.

They show other towers of the same type that aeroplanes have run into and which burnt. There is a tower, in Spain I think, which burnt for 24 hours… It never collapsed. None of these towers collapse. But there (in New York), the thing collapses. Then afterwards you can talk about it for a long time. The towers of September 11 were stuffed with gold. And they were swallowing up cash because they were built, I gather, in 1973. And to re-cable all that, to modernise the technology and all of that, it was much more expensive to carry out the work than to destroy them.

…. Did man ever walk on the moon ? I have seen a lot of documentaries on that and really, I wonder. In any case, I do not believe everything they tell me. That’s for sure.

- source

Honestly? I think she just believes in conspiracy theories and decided to share. She probably believes in tinfoil hats to keep out the alien brainwaves, too.

Let’s see what else is going on today:

• You could win a Blake Lewis CD
• Hannah Montana movie update
• Paris Hilton is going to get her own reality show?
• Bad news for Will Farrell’s new movie

That’s it for this morning; until this afternoon, I leave you with this:

LOL! Awesome. See you later this afternoon!

Guess what I had in my head this morning?

I GUARANTEE that once you watch that video, it will be IMPOSSIBLE for you to have a bad day. For reals, yalls. Let’s get to the goss!

First, how cute are the Brad and Angelina family? Maybe I should put myself up for adoption, because I would personally love to hang out with Angie in bulky ski clothes, drink some hot chocolate, make fun of Brad’s facial hair, and then we would watch reruns of “Who’s the Boss?” and wonder how Angela got her hair so big.

Brad and Angelina on a Snow Holiday

I love snow, don’t you? And don’t they look like they’re having too much fun?

I love how Brad is trying to film everything, that’s just too cute. - via jjb

Next! Jame Lynn Spears would apparently like us to believe that she’s not pregnant, giant worldwide declaration to the contrary.

Further proof that Jamie Lynn Spears is not the sharpest tack in the bucket

So she’s 16 and knocked up, right? Well, Jamie Lynn apparently did not realize that once you are pregnant, your body morphs and changes into something decidedly different than a slim and toned little 16 year old body, so she’s been wrapping her tumtum with Ace bandages in order to keep it flat and is not real happy about how her boobies are getting all kaBLAMMO! I’m really trying to drum up some sympathy here, but I just can’t stop laughing long enough. Sucks to be you, Zoey 101! Wait till you figure out how that baby is GOING TO COME OUT!!

Next, the other Spears sister is having her share of issues. As usual.

How long has it been since Britney Spears has seen her kids?

To tell you the truth, I’ve kind of been ignoring the whole Britney Spears custody kids thing lately because it’s so stupid; but here’s the latest. She hasn’t seen her kids in about six weeks (!), and the court denied her visitation again yesterday. Kevin is open to having her have some visitation rights.

Honestly? She doesn’t give a rat’s ass about those kids. If she did, she wouldn’t be seen all over the place flashing her hoo-ha, making an ass of herself. I hate to say it but those kids are probably better off without her influence in their lives. She needs to get to the Crazy House, and quick! - source

Next: Gene Simmons has a sex tape. I know, ewww, right?

Please Brace Yourselves for a Gene Simmons Sex Tape

Of all the people to have a leaked sex tape, I think I can count Gene Simmons on the bottom of my list of ones I’d like to see. But nevertheless, it’s out there:

KISS frontman Gene Simmons has two children with his longtime companion, Playboy model Shannon Tweed. But if a new video on genessecret.com is to be believed, Tweed isn’t the only woman sharing Simmons’ bed. The site shows video of Simmons having sex with a blond woman called “Elsa,” identified as an Austrian model. The video is likely to provide ample fodder for Simmons’ and Tweed’s reality series, “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels.” Simmons posted a message on his Web site Feb. 20: “You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options.”

- source

If you really feel the need to watch this thing, you can: Gene Simmons Sex Tape. Be advised that it’s not for the squeamish.

Ergh…..let’s clear the palate, shall we? Next: the actual video of Johnny Knoxville tearing his penis to shreds. Good times.

Good Bye, Mr. Snake!

I know that his show is called “Jackass”, but I’m thinking maybe it needs an extra subheading, like “Please Understand That I Had To Have A Lobotomy In Order To Do All This Sh*t To Myself And Still Think It Was Amusing.”

What else is going on today:

• Is Jessica Alba having twins?
• David Beckham signs autographs in Hawaii
• Janet Jackson is getting married
• Hayden Panettiere looks great in Berlin
• Is Jessica Simpson going to do another reality show?

Until this afternoon, my jelly donuts…I leave you with this:

See you later alligators!

See that vintage care bear? That’s pretty much my mood right now - not for any particular reason, mind you, just simply feeling like I’m probably going to go completely mental on someone today. Who WILL that lucky person be? Should I draw names from a hat?

Anyway, let’s get to the gossip, and hopefully by the end I’ll be feeling better about the day. Well, or worse - in that case, I’ll probably just go back to bed in order to avoid inflicting injury on some poor unsuspecting family member. First, has Heidi Klum lost her everlovin’ mind?

Heidi Klum Wants Britney To Move In With Her and Seal

So Heidi Klum has publicly offered for Little Miss Trainwreck to come and move in with her and Seal and the three rugrats, because she feels sorry for her and the person she’s become, so much potential wasted, blah blah blah MAKE ME SICK.

Okay, so two things. First, Seal needs to get Heidi’s ass on some kind of drugs STAT because she’s obviously on the verge of a mental breakdown for her to even CONSIDER allowing this person near her kids. Second, that’s pretty much it. I don’t know what’s going through her Victoria’s Secret thong, honestly. - source

Next, further proof (as if we needed it) that Johnny Knoxville is a serious, world-class, dumbass.

Johnny Knoxville Has Managed to Finally Blow Up His Boy Parts

Let’s hear what Johnny boy has to say about this, shall we?

Just got back from Oklahoma where I was shooting “Mat Hoffman’s tribute to Evel Knievel.” Had a ball, too, even though I almost lost my own balls in the process. Don’t want to give too much away because the tribute airs Feb 23rd on MTV, but let’s just say before letting Travis Pastrana teach me how to do a backflip on a motorcycle I should have had him teach me to ride one first. Heh-heh…bad for me, good for our viewing audience at home. Have to go now. Have to empty the piss bag on my leg that I have to wear for the next two weeks until my torn urethra heals. Ouch, and see you on the 23rd. By the way, lots of great stuff in the Evel Knievel tribute besides my trip to the hospital–lots!
–Johnny Knoxville

- source

Um, ow? I’m kind of cringing just thinking about a torn urethra, honestly. I’d feel sorry for the guy except he sort of brings this stuff on himself, you know?

Next: Heather Mills has won the freaking lottery, yall.

Paul McCartney Gets Royally Screwed in Divorce Settlement

So Heather Mills walked away from divorce court this week with a record $100 million settlement from Paul McCartney. The news release said that “She could not contain her joy as she walked from the High Court in London smiling broadly yesterday.” LOL yeah I BET!!!!!! I would probably doing something like this:

Oh, you know you would too. Right?

Okay, so here’s Jamie Lynn Spears showing her baby bump. Awwwwkward.

Jamie Lynn Spears Is Really Pregnant

First pics of Jamie Lynn with her belly. This family is SO. MESSED.UP.

Oh, well….it could be worse. She could be at the gas station, running in, stealing lighters, faking a British accent, SMOKING, flashing her crotch, sleeping with paparazzi, having breakdowns in public, shaving her head, landing in a mental ward on lockdown… see where I’m going with this? Do ya follow me? Oh, well, just give her time. Pretty soon having a baby at 16 will be like picking up a new pink iPod!! So cool!!!

Last today, let’s get a look at Kevin Federline’s “acting” turn on One Tree Hill.

Kevin Federline Should Surely Get an Oscar For This

You know the part I like? When he gets a roundhouse swing to the jaw.

Now if only we could get someone to do that to Britney, maybe could knock some sense into her. That’s very unpolitically correct, but I would like you to refer back to the top of this post and look at the Grumpy Bear picture and realize that today, I AM NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

What else is going on…..

• Jessica Alba is going to go green
• The Beckhams renewed their vows
• Britney’s brother is in charge of her money
• Fergie has her own lingerie line?
• Hilary Duff on the cover of Cosmo

That’s all till this afternoon, sweet babies. I’m going to go eat some chocolate or something. Until then, I leave you with this: