HELLO TO MY MINIONS.

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Good afternoon. My name is JANET JACKSON (Miss Jackson if you’re anyone but me). Please hold your applause, but don’t even bother to hold your adulation, because it is my rightful due as your new ruler. Oh! Did I mention I am your new overlord? With a fabulous new overlord kind of outfit going on? Aww, yeah.

Anywho, I’ve sent you your new assignment, the first of many under my benevolent rule. Check your email. Also, I’d like you to notice how pointy my boobs are in the Overlord Outfit; it’s a fantastic new feature. They give me an extra boost of superiority. Oops, gotta go - those grits I ate for breakfast aren’t sitting so well and this outfit is hella hard to get off. Toodles!

First, before we get into the whole fake flu thing, can we talk about Janet Jackson’s current hair craze: which apparently is choppy bangs that look like a seven year old got a hold of the scissors? Not a flattering look, Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty.

Anyway, Janet has the flu and canceled her upcoming Saturday Night Live appearance. Here’s the deal: unless she was spitting blood and pooping demons, there was no need to cancel. I mean, other than her music royally sucks and she would be SCREWED if she had to sing without a whole data warehouse of servers doing double-duty synchronizing her sorry ass.