Good Sweet Buttered Moses. What was Janet Jackson thinking of here, dressed up in a highly unflattering yellow sequined spandex pantsuit and accompanying mohawk for her tour? Did she raid big brother Michael’s closet from his days in the Jackson Five? Maybe she’s going to go work out at an 80’s themed gym right afterwards? I don’t know. I Just. Don’t. Know.

More hideousness after the jump: Read more

HELLO TO MY MINIONS.

Image details: Launch Of Alexander McQueen’s Flagship Boutique - Arrivals served by picapp.com

Good afternoon. My name is JANET JACKSON (Miss Jackson if you’re anyone but me). Please hold your applause, but don’t even bother to hold your adulation, because it is my rightful due as your new ruler. Oh! Did I mention I am your new overlord? With a fabulous new overlord kind of outfit going on? Aww, yeah.

Anywho, I’ve sent you your new assignment, the first of many under my benevolent rule. Check your email. Also, I’d like you to notice how pointy my boobs are in the Overlord Outfit; it’s a fantastic new feature. They give me an extra boost of superiority. Oops, gotta go - those grits I ate for breakfast aren’t sitting so well and this outfit is hella hard to get off. Toodles!

First, before we get into the whole fake flu thing, can we talk about Janet Jackson’s current hair craze: which apparently is choppy bangs that look like a seven year old got a hold of the scissors? Not a flattering look, Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty.

Anyway, Janet has the flu and canceled her upcoming Saturday Night Live appearance. Here’s the deal: unless she was spitting blood and pooping demons, there was no need to cancel. I mean, other than her music royally sucks and she would be SCREWED if she had to sing without a whole data warehouse of servers doing double-duty synchronizing her sorry ass.

Oh, yeah - P.F. Chang’s, baby! Lettuce wraps and then some honey chicken….mmmmm, good. The only downside was that our server had a big old muffin top; I wouldn’t ordinarily be telling you that except uh, well, she had decided to show us her muffin top complete with her extra special beige control top underpants. I really wanted to tell her that this wasn’t a really good look, but she didn’t seem too overly concerned.

On to the gossip! First, Delta Burke is crazy.

My Name is Delta Burke, and I Am a Nutball

Oh, I’m just kidding. Kind of. Anyway, Delta had to get herself to the mental ward this month basically because her drugs stopped working, they were working too good, or I don’t know, something like that. I wasn’t paying attention. Anyway, she apparently had - has? - a big old hoarding problem, which is where you save everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING. She had 27 frigging storage units! Damn! Girl is nutty as a fruitcake, but she’s supporting local businesses, so I can’t be too mad at her. She’s boosting the economy!

Next: somebody’s gonna get themselves some hep.

Is Hepatitis A the New Black?

Now this is too funny. Demi Moore threw her toy boy Ashton a big old bash for his 30th birthday party, and tons of people were there: Bruce Willis, Salma Hayek, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Kate Hudson, Molly Sims, Liv Tyler, Gwyneth Paltrow, Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart and designer Roberto Cavalli, etc. Turns out that the night they were there, the dreaded Hepatitis A virus was also in attendance:

Today, the New York City Health Department said a bartender at Socialista might have passed hepatitis A to club patrons early this month. The bartender only worked on three nights when he might have been infectious, but one of those nights — Feb. 7 — was the night of Kutcher’s party.

- source

Okay, I know that Hep A is no fun, but OH. MY GAWD. I would seriously cough up a lung laughing if one of these yayhoos came down with this. Yes, this shows that I’m sometimes not a very nice person, but nobody’s perfect.

Next! Who else is in love with the LAPD Chief of Police? Because I am.

LAPD to Britney Spears: Stay Home, Retard

So how much do you love this man? Here’s what he had to say to BritBrit today:

What we need is Britney Spears to stay home instead of traipsing all over town. That would solve the problem. We don’t need additional laws…. I’ve got laws coming out my ears to deal with this issue.

[skip]

What you have is several young women in this town and several young men basically making fools of themselves and tying up not only my resources but the resources of the media that would do better covering legitimate stories instead of a bunch of airheads running around out there….

Quite clearly some of these characters so favored by the paparazzi are clearly in need of services. Not police services, but psychiatric services.

- source

Can I get an Amen?!?!?!? Of course Britney won’t ever hear of this because the only TV or newspaper she watches is most likely QVC, and then only when she’s so hopped up on Benadryl and meth that the freaking Easter Bunny could come in and poop in the kitchen and she’d be okay with it. And yes, I know that didn’t make much sense, but I’m still so verklempt over what this guy said that I think I’ve been rendered temporarily snarkless.

Okay, it’s back. Next! Janet Jackson’s new album has been leaked.

Please Stop Putting Out Such Sucky Music, Janet

Her new album “Discipline” has been leaked. You can listen to it here:

Sucks? Doesn’t suck? Kinda sucks? Sucks sweaty goat balls? I don’t know. I don’t much care for JJ, mostly because hello? SHE HAS NO VOICE. She sounds like Minnie Mouse.

That’s all I got for today. Here’s a video to help you get through the night:

Subway Punk Gets Owned - Watch more free videos

YAY!! See you tomorrow morning!

Janet Jackson recently revealed a little too much information about a very special tattoo she has on her mysterious lady parts:

I have a tattoo on my most private part of Mickey and Minnie Mouse involved in a sexual act. It’s my sense of humor.

Would this be her Magical Kingdom? The Happiest Place on Earth? Her Little Fantasia? Okay, I’ll stop now.

Janet Jackson kind of lost me after “Control”, but I am almost liking this new tune. Almost. I ended up turning it off halfway through and going back to my standby of trance music (helps me think). What do you think?

If you’re easily offended, do NOT keep reading.

I’m warning you.

Really, I’m warning you.

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