In a Daily Mail article, Madonna wants us all to know that she was and is Michael Jackson’s biggest fan, and none of us should EVER forget that. In fact, she’s planning on doing a big lip synch of his songs at at London’s O2 arena on Saturday night, because you know how great it is for people to spend like $200 (or more) for concert tickets to hear their favorite artist and show up to not only hear her lip syncing, but lip syncing someone else’s music. Yeah.

Seriously, he was a great pop star, but people are acting like it’s the second coming of Jebus. Let’s not forget that he was seriously nuts, and not the fun nuts, either - mentally unstable to the point he was turning his skin a different color, dangled his kids over a balcony (well, not HIS kids, but someone’s kids), was accused multiple times of touching small boys inappropriately until he paid them off, and the list goes on and on. I mean, I like me some “Thriller” and “Billie Jean” as much as the next girl but let’s put this in perspective, kids.
Image: Newscom

We all know that Madonna is going out with a 22 year old model named Jesus Luz, right? Well, he is well and truly whipped, as he is now going around saying that Madge is “without fault”, full of some kind of unicorn goodness, poops kittens, etc. Here’s what he had to say:
‘Madonna is beautiful, a person full of positive energy, with no visible faults. I found her marvellous. Her personality also impressed me.
Okay, let’s substitute “positive energy” for Botox, “faults” for self-restraint, and “personality” for vadge. Let’s have another go:
‘Madonna is beautiful, a person full of Botox, with no visible self-restraint. I found her marvellous. Her vadge also impressed me.
Ah, that’s more like it!

Ay yi yi, I walk away from the Internets for FIVE MINUTES and all heckfire has broken loose. Can’t a girl wallow in the sunshine eating bonbons like a CIVILIZED person? Sheesh!

Anywhodles, Snarkarinos, we all know that Madonna was denied adoption this week of a new kid to add to her growing arsenal of walking, talking accessories. Too bad they don’t come stamped with the labels Gucci, Prada, or Chanel, right? Madge actually was stopped in her tracks by the Malawaian gubmint, mostly because she doesn’t satisfy the residency requirement, but also because she’s gone back to her raging skanky ways and they are THINKING OF THE CHILDREN!!!

So the poor Kabbalah nutball had to fly herself home via a private plane yesterday, but she does plan to appeal the judge’s ruling. Except, well, uh, guess who showed up all of a sudden? Daddy! Yes, mysteriously he’s decided to come forward once he heard a “famous pop star” was thinking about adopting his meal ticket abandoned baby girl!

One person at least had something nice to say about the Material Girl - her ex-husbandGuy Ritchie:

“I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened that her application has been rejected. She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.”

If you listen very closely, you can almost hear him laughing. Creepy!

Yes, well, that’s enough Madge Vadge news for the day, I think. Here’s SNL’s skit from Saturday night pairing Angelina Jolie against Madonna for the Ultimate Baby Smackdown - watch:

Madonna sure knows how to make an entrance, doesn’t she! Appearing yesterday to tour an African village in the country of Malawi, where she’s buying adopting a kid, she wore a Chanel sweatsuit (similar to the one pictured above) that retails for a whopping $2800. Yes, I believe Madonna was missing the day sensitivity chips were handed out, don’t you?

And who in the world buys and wears a sweatsuit worth that much money? I have a few sweatsuits, and guess what - I SWEAT in them, therefore, I do not want them to be worth a mortgage payment. Nobody expects Madge’s Vadge to go around in something from Wal-Mart, but when you’re wearing an outfit that has couture stamped all over it in front of a village of starving kids, there’s something seriously wrong.

ROWR! I am Madonna, the Adopter! Feel my wrath! ROWR!

See what happens when you’re all hepped up on caffeine and cold meds, kids? It’s quite pitiful, isn’t it. Anyway, officials in a Malawian adoption agency have confirmed that Madge’s vadge has showed up with a truckload of money, I mean, she’s filed papers to grab herself another baby. But there’s trouble a’brewin in River City because Madge is 50, divorced, a bit promiscuous, and already has three kids that she doesn’t pay attention to. But all that is easily conquered by the already mentioned truckloads of money, right? Of course!

Ruh roh, Shaggy! Looks like the Madonna Love Shack might be finally feeling the recession!

Yep, it’s true - Madge’s Vadge is a troublemaker, folks, because though she wants to adopt another child from Malawi, her public flings with a married man and some guy named Jesus are making adoption officials think twice:

“The news she is linked to another woman’s husband and a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.”

The agency did go on to say that the adoption will PROBABLY still go through, because hello? She’s MADONNA, for Pete’s sake - she could make out with a giraffe and film herself braiding her armpit hair in a vat of chocolate pudding and she’d still get a kid. Meanwhile, thousands of couples who’ve been waiting in line for a baby are turned away, right? Maybe they should take a page from Madge’s playbook and just start rocking the freaking casbah!

So Madonna is already hitting the dating scene since her divorce with Guy Ritchie, and who has she chosen for her first public dinner date? Why, a 22 year old model named, appropriately, Jesus. I’ve heard of trying to hold on to your youth, but this is just getting silly now. Or maybe she’s just auditioning this guy for her daughter Lourdes?

image: Bauer-Griffin

Director Guy Ritchie, who is going through a very public split with wife Madonna, has an enthusiastic supporter on his side: dear old Dad. His father says that he is “pleased” with the split and is glad that Madge is distracting herself with a few new boytoys, because that means she won’t be bugging Guy to get back together! Wow, is she that needy? Never mind.

Anywho, Dad went on to say that they don’t argue, and all they talk about is the care and feeding of the three kids they’ve got together: Lourdes, Rocco, and David. Basically, Madge wants them to become Kabbalah-ized, I’m guessing, and Guy just wants them to be normal. Well, as normal as you can get with the Material Girl as a mother, anyway.

Just as a side note, have you noticed that Guy is smiling in almost every photo that is taken of him lately? I wonder why…hmmmm…

You would think by now that Madonna would be thinking about aging gracefully, with a little dignity, rather than making a complete fool of herself chasing after eternal youth. Well, you would be wrong! Madge is going on what’s being called a “salmon retox“; basically, she’s going to be eating truckloads of fish and actually increasing her exercise regimen.

Note to Madonna: Look, we get it. You’re physically fit. Freakishly so, in fact. We don’t enjoy being able to see every muscle in your exquisitely toned body, especially when you wear outfits like the one above. You might want to check into the old adage of “less is more”, know what I mean? Lay off the hours of exercise already and go read a book or play with your kids or SOMETHING. Seriously.

Man, this was fast! According to two different sources, Madonna and soon to be ex Guy Ritchie are already moving on to new relationships, Guy with millionaire (and ex of Hugh Grant) Jemima Khan, and Madonna with some model from Brazil named Jesus. Boy, I don’t think that the ink is even dry on the divorce papers yet, is it?