Rumors are flying that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will be calling it quits after Valentines Day this year. The couple, who have been married for about four years, have ten month old twins and by all accounts have been doing just fine. However, the rumor mill is busily churning out stories of naughty hijinks: Marc partying with friends at nightclubs without his wedding ring on, Jennifer showing up at premieres and parties looking muy caliente without HER wedding ring on. Not much to go on as yet, but seeing as neither of these two characters have much of a track record in the monogamy department, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rumors are actually true.

Okay, so I would buy one of these bras after watching this. Of course, it would have to have a guarantee that I, too, would look like Dita once I put them on. But of course we all know that’s included, right? We know that.

Image details: Christian Dior Cruise 2009 Collection - Backstage served by picapp.com

Aww, why so sad Jenny From The Block? What? What was that? Your nanny quit and now you and Skeletor Marc are going to take care of the babies all by yourself? Oh. I see. Well, here’s a couple of things you might want to know:

• Babies poop. A lot. You’ll have to clean that up. And no, the garden hose is not a good idea.
• Babies also cry a lot. Merely turning up your copy of “The Best of Menudo” will not calm them down.
• Basically, you’re screwed. I’d come over and help but I think you need to learn from this experience.

Apparently JLo is going to take a year off from releasing crappy Spanglish music albums and take care of the wee kinder by her own damn self. Yeah, I’m not joking. I think maybe she got into Marc’s methadone or something, because obviously this is a joke and she’s not thinking clearly. Although she could surprise us all and have the kids writing the sequel to “War and Peace” within six months while writing up the cure for cancer.

So this morning, I was looking for cheapo skin products on Amazon, and somehow I got funneled into the food products section, and when you type “skin” into the search box, well, this is what comes up. I don’t know if this is Amazon making a personal statement to me, or what, but either way, I’m kind of grossed out right now.

On to the goss! First, baby names of Jlo are revealed.

Hey BABY!!!!

“Baby, I love you……”

The names of JLo’s Babies?

The new parents welcomed their son and daughter on Feb. 22. Emme was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and Max followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

- source

Cute, eh? Next: what’s up with Barack and Hilary?

Sexual Tension in the Democratic Party?

O noes! I see some kissin!

Really, I’m loving this video. Because I kind of agree with it non-ironically.

Next: Another normal day for Britney Spears.

SHUT THE F*** UP!

Here’s Britney having a quiet moment of decorum and grace with her bodyguard.
She’s such an embodiment of class, isn’t she?

And speaking of class:

Tonya Harding Shows Her Classy Side

Just watch - but be careful, you might get sucked into the Harding Vortex. Whatever that means.
Wow - personally I’d be scared she’d take a bat to my kneecap. Not that she would know how to do that or anything.

That’s about it for today; stay classy Snarkarinos!

Hello, my Snarky friends. Guess what I did this morning? I dragged my fat ass out of bed and walked FIVE MILES. Oh. My. Gawd. My legs are not happy right now, and I’m freezing my ass off because I was all sweaty and now I’m not, so I’m cold, but I’m too tired to get up and go take a hot shower, because that would involve walking, and I already told you that my legs were not happy. What ever possessed me to walk that long today. I don’t even know.

Anyway, on to the goss! First, Jennifer Lopez finally popped.

JLo Has Had Her Twins!

Yep, she had them early this morning. The girl came first weighing close to six pounds, and then the boy came about 15 minutes later, weighing exactly six pounds. Seriously, for twins, that is HUGE. She had to be incredibly uncomfortable there at the end. Both mom and babies are doing just fine, no names announced yet. - source

Next: Tori Spelling is planning on writing a tell-all about her years at Beverly Hills 90210.

Dish the Dirt, Tori!

Apparently Tori Spelling has nothing better to do, so she’s writing a tell-all memoir about her life. Here’s a few snippets:

Tori….on why she wrote an autobiography:
“I spent so many years in the media having people tell stories about my life, so I figured I might as well tell the true stories about my life this time. Nobody’s read it! Not even [my husband] Dean!”
On Brian Austen Green, aka Megan Fox’s fiancee:
“I had an insta-crush on Brian Austen Green. Brian was the only guy on the show my age. We had something going over the years we worked together. We were always fighting, making up, having fun and hating each other. We were just young.”
On Luke Perry:
“As for Luke Perry, he called me ‘Camel’ because I had long eyelashes. Trust me, Luke Perry can call you ‘Camel’ and make it sexy.”
On Shannen Doherty:
“Shannen had everything, but she could be arrogant and carefree. Jennie [Garth] was outspoken when she thought Shannen was out of line. Sometimes they got along, but there were explosions. Once they got into a fistfight.”
“A night with [Shannen] meant going to the hottest club and drinking until the early hours. I knew she was a ‘bad influence,’ but I liked her anyway.”

- source

Oh, honey - I don’t think he called you “Camel” because of your eyelashes. I think it was more because of this:

I’m thinking that Luke Perry is kind of a jerk. Or really, really smart.

Next! Remember this lovely lady?

Tonya Harding RETURNS!!!

Well, she’s BACK - and with her own rock opera! No, seriously, I’m not kidding. It’s running in Portland, Oregon, all this week and you can go if you really want to. Here’s a little bit of loveliness from Tonya herself, just to brighten up your day:

Not much else is going on today, let’s see:

• Fergie goes to the Versace show
• Hayden Panettiere is the new Candies girl
• Lindsay Lohan at the Dolce and Gabbana show
• Full trailer for Sex and the City is out
• Brad and Angelina’s adoption of Pax is finally official

That’s it till this afternoon, guys - until then, I leave you with this:

Things that make you go hmmm, yeah? Talk to you later!

Guess what I had for breakfast? Yep, Grape Nuts. I’m not a HUGE fan, but I like ‘em with blueberries. Gosh, I sound all organic don’t I….next I’ll be posting about my worm farm and how I make my own wine out of recycled paper.

On to the gossip! First, we get our first glimpse at Nicole Kidman’s pregnant tummy.

Yep, Nicole Kidman is Definitely Pregnant

Here she is promoting her Golden Compass disaster in Japan, wearing quite possibly what is the oddest looking dress I’ve ever laid eyes on. She’s obviously cradling her tumtum, which for most of us is what we look like normally, but for skinny Nicole, is like five months pregnant. I bet you she’s going to be one of those women whose navels pop out - that really is just something that gives me the creeps, honestly. - source

Next: Dina Lohan spouts off more of her fantastic wisdom regarding daughter Lindsay’s nudie pics.

Lindsay Lohan Naked Pictures are Art! says Dina Lohan, a Known Moron

Remember yesterday, I talked about Lindsay Lohan naked pics? Well, Dina Lohan wants us all to know that this is ART, people. ART. Here’s what she had to say:

“It was very tastefully done,” Dina tells PEOPLE of the photos… “I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother.”

And Dina adds that had the photos been inappropriate, Lindsay’s sister Ali would not have visited the set. “Trust me,” Dina tells PEOPLE, “I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”

- source

OMG, does she even hear herself? Delusional much? For reals, if you’re so baldly pimping out your kid, just call it what it is and stop trying to justify yourself. It embarrasses you, it embarrasses me, and it’s hard not to giggle when you’re talking. - source

Next: Paula Abdul’s first new video since the Dark Ages.

Paula Abdul’s video “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow”

I finally figured out what she sounds like:those cheap kid karaoke machines that make your voice sound like Hello Kitty or Bratz or something. Really, Paula, you’re NOT a singer, never have been. The 90s were just kind of lucky for you, okay?

Here’s the video:

Owwwww…ow….ears……hurting…..just quit already and get back to drunken judging. I give it a No.

Next: looks like Jlo might be popping out her spawn today.

Is today the day for Skeletor Babies?

Page Six is reporting that that JLo’s custom hospital suite at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island is finally occupied, so I am thinking this means that she will soon be pooping out some puppies. How much do you want to bet that Marc will faint at least twice, Jlo will TOTALLY make some young nurse cry, and the doctor will be completely overwhelmed at seeing La Lopez vag.

Plus, I am really jonesing for some pretty freaky baby names. How about:

I know you can get more creative than that, so get cranking.

What else is going on today…..

• Is Tom Cruise cheating on Katie Holmes?
• Paris Hilton and the worst movie ever
• Regis Philbin is a grampa
• New Dancing with the Stars lineup
• Rihanna turns 20 with a cupcake fight

Okay! So until this afternoon, I leave you with this:

This pretty much explains why Kirk never kept a girlfriend for more than one episode. Talk to you later, Snarky friends!

Here’s Jennifer Lopez looking pretty and pregnant (when IS she due?) at Fashion Week:

Lawsie mercy, you guys. Okay. So, I’ve introduced you to my dog Harley, right? (He’s the one in the Sponge Bob costume there.) Well, instead of doing his doggy business at 11 PM last night, you know, like NORMAL DOGS, he decides to wait until 2 AM and wake us up by whimpering and walking around frantically all over the house. That’s his version of jumping around on one foot holding his crotch, I guess.

And THEN, to further add to the pet infractions, one of my cats totally horked up….something…all over the floor like right in front of me this morning. So all of my pets are officially on my poop list; however, this really never lasts that long, basically because I’m a huge pushover (this is why I’m banned from PetSmart or any other pet stores, btw: I’ve come home with an animal or TWO every single fricking time. It’s pitiful.).

ANYWAY. On to the goss, of which I have quite a bit for you this morning - suhweet! Always good to have a lot of gossip on a Monday, you know, to start the week off right. First, the Dixie Chicks are on a personal crusade to free three men they think were wrongfully convicted:

The Dixie Chicks have a new controversy on their hands. In particular, lead singer Natalie Maines is urging people to contribute money to a defense fund for three Arkansas men that she (and many others) believe were wrongly convicted of killing three children in 1993.

- source
You can see this on the official Dixie Chicks site; on a completely inappropriate note, do you think someone should tell Natalie Maines to stop going for the whole pouty look? Because honestly, she looks like a pre-op trannie when she does that. Just sayin’.

Next, are Paul McCartney and Rosanna Arquette hooking up? It seems so; but then again, any woman that Paul spends more than five minutes with is going to get this kind of intense scrutiny. I don’t see him really wanting to pursue anything serious after the whole Heather Mills debacle.

Katharine Heigl is on the cover of Vanity Fair this month; she’s got a lot to say and unfortunately none of it is really interesting (believe me, I know - I slogged through all of it for you.). However, she done got herself all purtied up! Looky:

Ooh, and look at this one too:

Love this photoshoot; you can see the rest of it here. She’s so pretty that you don’t want to like her, but she’s very personable. Plus, that whole Grey’s Anatomy storyline with her and Denny? I mean, COME ON. Ridiculous. I cried enough to embarrass myself, and then I cried a little bit more.

Well! We’ve got us some more Heather Mills porno pics. Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you just SO GLAD??

She pulled down her top to expose her boobs and splayed her legs in this classic porn magazine pose.

And in another of the explicit shots — taken before she lost her leg in a 1993 road accident-she writhed knickerless on a white quilted bed, cupping her naked breasts.

Across the pages of the smutty mag, pouting Heather boasts: “I’m gonna drive you crazy with my body…”.

Awwww, yeah. -source Okay, so cue the corny porno music, because HERE WE GO:

You can see the non-censored pics here; if you DO actually click through, could you perhaps tell me why her aerolas are so ginormous? Because I’m puzzled by that.

Jennifer Lopez is showing off her belly; the bigger she gets, the more corpse-like Skeletor, er, Marc Anthony, looks. I think JLo should start slipping him some of her prenatal vitamins.

-source

Next: do you know who this guy is in the blue? You know, the one who looks like he’s about to have a coronary?

Did you guess? It’s Mr. Madonna, also known as Guy Ritchie. Apparently he’s taken up jujitsu. Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if we saw him getting all Matrix with Madge? I would pay cash money to see that fight. - source

Okay kids - hold on to your pancakes, because we’re going to venture somewhere few people have dared to venture (btw, if you say the word “venture” over and over again, it doesn’t sound like a word anymore. Try it.). Are you ready? Okay, I warned you:

That horribly awkward Ebony magazine last month with Michael Jackson on the cover? Well, this is the reality, kids. Apparently, there is a top-secret version of Photoshop sold ONLY to those unfortunates that have to photograph celebrities that need a lot of extra help; this exclusive software includes a special spackle brush, as well as the Honky-Izer, the GetRidOfThatPeskySkinPigment tool, and of course, the Good God - What Did You Do To Yourself? button. I think you can buy it at Wal-Mart. - source

Oh! And there was a little, teensy wensy event yesterday, you MIGHT have heard about it. Something about the Spice Girls kicking off their world tour?

Who am I kidding - I would have LOVED to gone see them in concert. Anyone out there got tickets? Here’s another pic for you; this one is of Geri Halliwell. While I admire her for her obviously strict fitness regime, I do have give a little “What The?” on those legs. They sorta scare me a little.

- source

Hey! Guess what! It’s time for the daily Seriously, What The F&%*, Britney Spears? moment!
Rumors just will NOT go away that Britney “Fertile Myrtle” Spears is pregnant, this time by one of her backup dancers named…wait for it….Chuck. I think it’s time to ditch the backup dancers, Brit - I just don’t think it’s working out for you. Remember what we talked about last week?

Really, I do believe many of your problems could be solved with this simple solution.

Hey, guess what? Amy Winehouse has TOTALLY gotten her act together, yalls.

Ahem. Well, substitute the phrase “gotten her act together” for “walking around half-naked and disoriented last night” and you’d be closer to the mark.

Onlookers said she appeared disorientated as she wandered around on the pavement for several minutes in the freezing cold before disappearing back inside.
The 24-year-old singer, who cancelled her UK tour last week, has ignored pleas from her family to seek help for her addiction to drugs.
They had hoped that she would return to the Causeway Clinic in Essex, where she has already had two failed attempts to get herself clean.
Instead, she has been ‘resting’ at a friend’s house in East London.
Quite why she came outside only half dressed in the early hours is unclear. One onlooker said she looked up and down the road as if she was waiting for someone, but no one arrived at the house.
“She came out of the house, walked down the drive and wandered around on the pavement for a bit.
“She looked upset and agitated but there was no obvious reason for her to have come outside. It was weird.”

- source
Well, we don’t know what she was doing….maybe she had forgotten to close the side passenger door on her van and hey guess what? Now it’s all wet! Actually, that would be ME that did that, but you probably already figured that out. Right?

Oh, and Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon joined the Mile High Club this weekend. UH HUH. Yes, they were flying together from Frankfort to Los Angeles, got bored, and decided to bonk in the toilet for 11 minutes. Okay, first of all: GROSS. Second, I hate these stupid sex in the airplane toilet bathroom stories, because anyone who has been on an airplane for more than FIVE FRIGGIN SECONDS knows that those bathrooms are so tiny it’s hard to put one person in there, let alone two. Third, GROSS. -source
Oh, by the way? Did you know that Lil Kim is an instrument of God?

She is a stunning young lady. This video actually made me tear up a little, but then I thought about it and started giggling instead. She is such a dumbass.

Okay, what else do we gots today sweet babies:

• Kate Moss is topless and sunbathing in Mexico
• Sylvester Stallone got a bigass tattoo of his wife on his bicep
• Patti LaBelle talks about lipstick lesbians
• Wonder Woman has been officially cast

That’s about it for today. My cat is looking at me; I think she knows I posted the news that she horked on this blog; she’s sensitive that way. Until tomorrow, I leave you with this to ponder:

See you Tuesday, my loverlies!

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony went to celebrity baby store Petit Tresor and spent $50K on stuff for a baby nursery. Cheapskates!

A source at the store told America’s OK! magazine: “Petit Tresor will be designing a blue themed baby nursery for Jennifer and Marc. There will also be custom-painted murals on the walls.”
After entering the shop - which was closed off to the public for the afternoon - through a concealed back entrance, the parents-to-be spent a leisurely two hours browsing baby goods.
They eventually chose a selection of prams, Moses baskets, blankets, baby clothes and toys.
The couple, who are rumoured to be expecting twins, also ordered a custom-made crib, and wardrobe.
The source added: “They’ve chosen both ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ items, which will be interchangeable, and the nursery’s design will be finalised when they know the gender of the baby.”

I found their baby registry. Here are a few of the items they’re looking for, if you want to send them a gift:

Stroller - $560.00

Bonne Nuit Seven Drawer Dresser - $3120.00

Cute chair - $2895.00

Well, I don’t blame her. If I had the money I would totally do the same thing, plus, it’s their first baby together. Doesn’t Marc have a few other kids though?

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony appear for their first tour ever together. This was the first of two concerts at Madison Square Garden. The couple is expected to confirm their pregnancy any day now. Marc Anthony opened the segment, then Jennifer Lopez sang with Fat Joe and LL Cool J and then Marc and Jennifer ended the show with two duets.

via celebutopia