Oh, that Paula Abdul, she so crazy! And obviously addled from all the druggy-poos, because she’s now saying that she’s never been stoned on the Happy Pills or drunk from Jesus Juice. Listen to what she had to say:

“I’ve never been addicted to any prescription drugs. I’ve never been drunk. I’ve worked my whole life,” Abdul told “Nightline” in an exclusive interview. Despite undergoing 15 surgeries since a neck injury in 1992, Abdul said she has never taken addictive painkillers.

Last week ABC News followed up on Abdul’s offer to “check her medical records,” asking for her permission to speak to one of her doctors. She declined.

LOL! Yeah, I BET she declined! Yeah, I’ve never been drunk either, you guys…and monkeys just flew out of my butt. AS IF!

So, she just says random crazy things on American Idol because she’s batshit crazy, not because she’s addicted to some fantastic cocktail of Willy Wonka pills? Personally, I would rather be known as Crazy Paula rather than Drug-Addled Paula. Because seriously, Paula? Honeychile? Have you WATCHED yourself?

Just say no, Paula! You can do it!

I love Simon Cowell, but this might be a little too much Simon for me! Here’s the American Idol judge having some downtime in the sun; must be nice, where I’m at, we’ve got almost a foot of snow!

Oh, BROTHER. Well, though the whole suicide thing is very sad, I don’t agree with what Paula Goodspeed’s brother is saying about what caused this mentally ill girl to kill herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house. Basically, he is blaming Paula for everything:

“[Abdul] didn’t speak up for her. She let everyone take her down,” McIntyre told The Post from his home in Maine.

“She [Abdul] said she was ’speechless,’ when she could have said something in her defense.”

- source

Uh, really? Watch this and see if you agree:

Huh. You know, just because you THINK you can sing, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Maybe if this girl’s brother had spent more time encouraging her in her other talents and gifts, instead of giving her delusions that she actually could go all the way to Hollywood, she would still be here today.

A fan of American Idol judge Paula Abdul was found dead near Paula’s house last night; police are guessing it was suicide. The woman was in her 30’s and had a long history of being completely nuts (obviously) about Paula.

Fortunately, Paula wasn’t home at the time (because that would have been extra super duper creepy). Here’s what Paula had to say about this whole mess:

According to Paula’s rep Jeff Ballard, Paula is “shocked and saddened” by the turn of events. She and her team have been aware of the woman for “several years” as an extreme fan who “has issues.”

- source

Weirdness!

Well, she just has fantastic luck with men, doesn’t she? Paula Abdul, who broke up with boyfriend J.T. Torregani a couple months ago, is now experiencing every ex-girlfriend’s worst nightmare: she’s being stalked. Here’s more:

Paul Abdul has told ex J.T. Torregani to stay away- and she’s even threatening to have him served with a restraining order because she claims he has violent outbursts and is stalking her!
The “American Idol” judge says 33-year-old restaurateur J.T. tried to kick down the door of her Los Angeles home- and she’s now so scared she has hired a bodyguard, according to pals.
“Paula says she’s terrified over what J.T. might do,” a source close to the performer told The Enquirer. “She claims they broke up after eight months and she put him out of her house. J.T. started harassing her.
“Paula complained that J.T. left dozens of voicemails and text messages on her phone, and when she didn’t reply, the messages became more and more menacing.”
Paula also claims J.T. has been showing up at shops and restaurants she frequents, looking for her, added the source.

- source

No matter how nutters Paula is, she definitely does not deserve this kind of treatment. Unfortunately, a restraining order can have the opposite effect for which it’s intended. Hopefully the police will take this very seriously.

Guess what I had for breakfast? Yep, Grape Nuts. I’m not a HUGE fan, but I like ‘em with blueberries. Gosh, I sound all organic don’t I….next I’ll be posting about my worm farm and how I make my own wine out of recycled paper.

On to the gossip! First, we get our first glimpse at Nicole Kidman’s pregnant tummy.

Yep, Nicole Kidman is Definitely Pregnant

Here she is promoting her Golden Compass disaster in Japan, wearing quite possibly what is the oddest looking dress I’ve ever laid eyes on. She’s obviously cradling her tumtum, which for most of us is what we look like normally, but for skinny Nicole, is like five months pregnant. I bet you she’s going to be one of those women whose navels pop out - that really is just something that gives me the creeps, honestly. - source

Next: Dina Lohan spouts off more of her fantastic wisdom regarding daughter Lindsay’s nudie pics.

Lindsay Lohan Naked Pictures are Art! says Dina Lohan, a Known Moron

Remember yesterday, I talked about Lindsay Lohan naked pics? Well, Dina Lohan wants us all to know that this is ART, people. ART. Here’s what she had to say:

“It was very tastefully done,” Dina tells PEOPLE of the photos… “I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother.”

And Dina adds that had the photos been inappropriate, Lindsay’s sister Ali would not have visited the set. “Trust me,” Dina tells PEOPLE, “I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”

- source

OMG, does she even hear herself? Delusional much? For reals, if you’re so baldly pimping out your kid, just call it what it is and stop trying to justify yourself. It embarrasses you, it embarrasses me, and it’s hard not to giggle when you’re talking. - source

Next: Paula Abdul’s first new video since the Dark Ages.

Paula Abdul’s video “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow”

I finally figured out what she sounds like:those cheap kid karaoke machines that make your voice sound like Hello Kitty or Bratz or something. Really, Paula, you’re NOT a singer, never have been. The 90s were just kind of lucky for you, okay?

Here’s the video:

Owwwww…ow….ears……hurting…..just quit already and get back to drunken judging. I give it a No.

Next: looks like Jlo might be popping out her spawn today.

Is today the day for Skeletor Babies?

Page Six is reporting that that JLo’s custom hospital suite at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island is finally occupied, so I am thinking this means that she will soon be pooping out some puppies. How much do you want to bet that Marc will faint at least twice, Jlo will TOTALLY make some young nurse cry, and the doctor will be completely overwhelmed at seeing La Lopez vag.

Plus, I am really jonesing for some pretty freaky baby names. How about:

I know you can get more creative than that, so get cranking.

What else is going on today…..

• Is Tom Cruise cheating on Katie Holmes?
• Paris Hilton and the worst movie ever
• Regis Philbin is a grampa
• New Dancing with the Stars lineup
• Rihanna turns 20 with a cupcake fight

Okay! So until this afternoon, I leave you with this:

This pretty much explains why Kirk never kept a girlfriend for more than one episode. Talk to you later, Snarky friends!

Hola, Snarky Gossiparinos! What are you plans for this exciting Saturday…I’ll tell you MINE: work, clean the house, and go for a walk. Try to contain the excitement that you are surely feeling at this revelatory news, please.

ANYway, let’s get to the goss, of which there ain’t much since it’s a Saturday and celebs (unlike me) apparently have a wee little bit of a life on the weekend. Huh. First, Kirstie Alley has “distanced” herself from Jenny Craig weight loss systems.

Kirstie Alley is no longer BFFs with Jenny Craig

So of course you remember Kirstie shilling for Jenny Craig, right? And she lost like 70 pounds? Well, Jenny’s got a new girl in town so Kirstie is getting kicked to the curb:

“Although Kirstie will not appear in future advertising endeavors for us, she does remain on Jenny Craig’s maintenance program and is confident that our program has helped her incorporate positive lifestyle changes that should last a lifetime,” Scott Parker, vice-president of marketing for Jenny Craig.

- source

I’m pretty sure that’s just PR speak for “we got tired of her crazy Thetan ass“. Either way, I’m just thankful I don’t have to see her flipping around her big hanks of hair on the telly anymore.

Next, Scarlett Johnasson talks about how the court of King Henry is so TOTALLY like, you know, Hollywood.

Please Stop Talking and Look Pretty, Scarlett

Okay, so ScarJo is doing some publicity stuff for her newest movie “The Other Boleyn Girl”, which I am dying to go see, and she decided to get all smart-like and compare Hollywood to the court of King Henry, because it’s all intense and intrigue-y and stuff. You know. Totally. The.Same. Well, except without all that awkward decapitation.

Next, Will Ferrell has a new movie coming out and of course it looks delightful.

If You Don’t Love Will Ferrell, You Must Be A Satanist

Here’s the trailer for “Semi-Pro”. It most likely will have the same jokes as all his other movies, but I oddly enough don’t give a rat’s ass.

Next, we get to hear about Paula Abdul peeing. Just for a second, so don’t get too squicked out. Yet, anyway.

Crazed Fan Takes a Picture of Paula Draining the Lilly

Okay, so get this: some astonishingly bad-mannered fan actually climbed over a bathroom stall and TOOK A PICTURE OF PAULA ABDUL ON THE TOILET. So Paula had to gently tell her in her own way that this was not cool:

“Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on. Keep the faith, don’t lose your perseverance and always trust your gut instinct. Your talent is your art. It is not to be taken for granted.”

And as usual, no one knew what she was talking about. I’m sure those pics will be on the Interwebs VERY soon.

Last, but not least on this fine morning, it’s time for Sexy Time With Coco, a new feature here at Snarky that will both disgust and fascinate you. Here we go.

Sexy Time With Coco

Brace yourselves:

on what Ice-T likes her to wear during sex:
“He loves heels — it’s gotta be some freak heels. I wear them in bed all the time. I actually keep a pair of shoes next to the bed, just in case I don’t have them on and we start gettin’ busy…I can throw them on. When I get a new pair of shoes I’m gonna have them right next to the bed, because that’s the first place I’m gonna wear them.”
on her favorite position:
“I love doggy style. But he gets to see more of it, so I like mirrors. We have a wall of mirrors facing the bed. He’s always got a better view; so sometimes he’ll take pictures for me, so I can see it from his view. We get aroused by that stuff.”
on her oral sex skills:
“I think it’s an art. I have my way of using my hands, my head, my hair — my whole body. I’m actually making a performance out of it; I like performing. So if he’s doing it to me I can’t really give a performance like if I’m doing it to him.”
on her ass being fake:
“My butt of course is a hundred percent au naturel. We’ll do tests; [Ice] will let women touch my butt, feel it, grab it, whatever they want to do, to prove that there’s nothing in there.”
on her favorite music to get freaky to:
“Yeah, Keith Sweat has a really nice beat.”
on sex in unusual places:
“We’ll do it in club bathrooms, and there’s usually bodyguards around — we’re doing a lot of appearances at clubs, so ya know. ”
on her pet names for Ice-T:
“I call him Baby Poo. He calls me, “Bitch, get over here.”

- source

And you can take…whatever that was….to the bank. Just be sure to get plenty of antiseptic wipes and Clorox.

I’m about to go scrub the shower (party up in this hizzouse, don’t you know), so I’ll leave you with this educational video:

Yeahhhh..I don’t know what was going on there either. See you later, my lovelies!

Surprisingly good, pretty cheesy, extraordinarily synchronized (sounds like a Hello Kitty karoke machine gone crazy):

Right ON! You know we’re getting close to starting my favorite show, “American Idol”,when we get more crazytime from Miss Prescription Meds herself, Paula Abdul. Here’s the schoop:

A witness said, “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

Shut up, Poltergeist?!?!? Like THIS Poltergeist?

Screw that noise, I can’t be watchin’ my Paula if she’s suddenly going all Satan on me. Stick to the meds craziness, and stay away from the demons, honey!

It’s almost the end of the year, and you know what that means? Yes - unending lists. And I would be remiss - REMISS, I tell you -if I didn’t participate in the general list making madness. So! Without further ado, here are the top celebrity gossip stories, scandals, and silliness of 2007.

January 2007

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake became a couple….Paula Abdul showed up completely stoned for an interview….Brandy was involved in a fatal car accident….Dakota Fanning filmed a child rape scene and set off some controversy….and Dita von Teese and Marilyn Manson called it quits.

Lots more top celebrity gossip stories after the jump! Read more