So I have a confession to make. I have never, ever, not even vaguely, not even when I was tipsy on apple cider and sausage, EVER thought that Prince was remotely sexy. The whole naked thing he did there for a while, his Purple Rain phase, the stupid symbol deal, etc. never appealed to me. All my friends in high school went gaga over him, seriously drooling over his Oompa Loompa self squeezed into those purple pants, but I just stuck to my Luke Perry poster. Dylan FTW!

Prince has decided to come out of the woodwork with a slightly stalkerish song about Salma Hayek, written to her daughter Valentina. Here are the lyrics:

“Hey Valentina, tell your mama she should give me a call/ When she get tired of runnin’ after you down the hall/And she’s all worn out from those late-night feedings/and she’s ready for another rock and roll meeting,”

Um, no thank you? Yeah, that’s pretty much what I would say. Now if Luke Perry was singing that song to me, that would be a whole ‘nother story. Shoot, let’s bathe ourselves in a little bit of Dylan goodness RIGHT NOW:

The singer formerly known as Prince or whatever else he might be calling himself these days has suddenly decided that he is against the eeevvviiilll agenda of the homosexuals among us. You know, because you’ve gotta watch out for those crazy gay people!

Anyway, Prince became a Jehovah’s Witness a while back, and even though he’s best known for writing songs about fornication and wearing assless chaps, he doesn’t want teh gays to have any fun anymore. Here’s what he had to say:

When asked about his perspective on social issues–gay marriage, abortion–Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ “

-source

Well, I guess you could take that either way, really. I don’t think even Prince knows what he’s talking about, which is pretty much to be expected. He should just go back to changing his name to a symbol and Jeri-Curling his hair or something, you know, stuff he’s actually really good at.

Oh, this seems a bit ridiculous. Prince wants to start his own magazine, and it will be called 3121. Why? Because he’s PRINCE, that’s why. We don’t need any other reason that that.