Actress Scarlett Johansson was on the Tonight Show last night, and she had a pretty nasty cold that she said she caught from actor Samuel Jackson. Since it’s a “celebrity” cold, Jay and Scarlett talked about how these germs have value of some kind, and decided that her snotty tissue should be put on eBay for charity (eww!). Here’s the video:

You can see the eBay listing here, bidding is up to $2000!

Celebrities are regular people just like you and me: they get their oil changed, they brush their teeth, and they vote. Well, at least they make VIDEOS telling YOU to vote. You know, because the instant you become a celebrity you also become an authority on civic responsibility.

Watch:

Actress Scarlett Johansson and her beau of only a few months Ryan Reynolds got married last night, quietly and without ceremony, in Canada. It’s the first marriage for both; Scarlett is 23 and Ryan is 31. Ryan had a very publicized split with singer Alanis Morissette and started going out with Scarlett afterwards.

They seem happy, but I had no idea Scarlett was so young - I would have pinned her closer to Ryan’s age.

more animals

Madonna’s husband actually doing something other than being arm candy -The Bosh

Brooke Hogan once again proving she’s an idiot - Hollyscoop

Woody Allen with Scarlett Johansson gives me the heebie jeebies - Popcrunch

Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are going to the governmental woodshed - Jossip

Fran Drescher is the new face of health…or something - Celebitchy

Introducing Nicolas Cage and his dead squirrel toupee - dlisted

Britney Spears actually looked decent at the VMA’s - Popsugar

Rachel Zoe is a big crybaby - Jezebel

So, Courtney Love walked into a bar, trying to be relevant, failed miserably - Gawker

Hayden Panettiere’s boobs are trying to get away from her - Egotastic

Hola, Snarky Gossiparinos! What are you plans for this exciting Saturday…I’ll tell you MINE: work, clean the house, and go for a walk. Try to contain the excitement that you are surely feeling at this revelatory news, please.

ANYway, let’s get to the goss, of which there ain’t much since it’s a Saturday and celebs (unlike me) apparently have a wee little bit of a life on the weekend. Huh. First, Kirstie Alley has “distanced” herself from Jenny Craig weight loss systems.

Kirstie Alley is no longer BFFs with Jenny Craig

So of course you remember Kirstie shilling for Jenny Craig, right? And she lost like 70 pounds? Well, Jenny’s got a new girl in town so Kirstie is getting kicked to the curb:

“Although Kirstie will not appear in future advertising endeavors for us, she does remain on Jenny Craig’s maintenance program and is confident that our program has helped her incorporate positive lifestyle changes that should last a lifetime,” Scott Parker, vice-president of marketing for Jenny Craig.

- source

I’m pretty sure that’s just PR speak for “we got tired of her crazy Thetan ass“. Either way, I’m just thankful I don’t have to see her flipping around her big hanks of hair on the telly anymore.

Next, Scarlett Johnasson talks about how the court of King Henry is so TOTALLY like, you know, Hollywood.

Please Stop Talking and Look Pretty, Scarlett

Okay, so ScarJo is doing some publicity stuff for her newest movie “The Other Boleyn Girl”, which I am dying to go see, and she decided to get all smart-like and compare Hollywood to the court of King Henry, because it’s all intense and intrigue-y and stuff. You know. Totally. The.Same. Well, except without all that awkward decapitation.

Next, Will Ferrell has a new movie coming out and of course it looks delightful.

If You Don’t Love Will Ferrell, You Must Be A Satanist

Here’s the trailer for “Semi-Pro”. It most likely will have the same jokes as all his other movies, but I oddly enough don’t give a rat’s ass.

Next, we get to hear about Paula Abdul peeing. Just for a second, so don’t get too squicked out. Yet, anyway.

Crazed Fan Takes a Picture of Paula Draining the Lilly

Okay, so get this: some astonishingly bad-mannered fan actually climbed over a bathroom stall and TOOK A PICTURE OF PAULA ABDUL ON THE TOILET. So Paula had to gently tell her in her own way that this was not cool:

“Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on. Keep the faith, don’t lose your perseverance and always trust your gut instinct. Your talent is your art. It is not to be taken for granted.”

And as usual, no one knew what she was talking about. I’m sure those pics will be on the Interwebs VERY soon.

Last, but not least on this fine morning, it’s time for Sexy Time With Coco, a new feature here at Snarky that will both disgust and fascinate you. Here we go.

Sexy Time With Coco

Brace yourselves:

on what Ice-T likes her to wear during sex:
“He loves heels — it’s gotta be some freak heels. I wear them in bed all the time. I actually keep a pair of shoes next to the bed, just in case I don’t have them on and we start gettin’ busy…I can throw them on. When I get a new pair of shoes I’m gonna have them right next to the bed, because that’s the first place I’m gonna wear them.”
on her favorite position:
“I love doggy style. But he gets to see more of it, so I like mirrors. We have a wall of mirrors facing the bed. He’s always got a better view; so sometimes he’ll take pictures for me, so I can see it from his view. We get aroused by that stuff.”
on her oral sex skills:
“I think it’s an art. I have my way of using my hands, my head, my hair — my whole body. I’m actually making a performance out of it; I like performing. So if he’s doing it to me I can’t really give a performance like if I’m doing it to him.”
on her ass being fake:
“My butt of course is a hundred percent au naturel. We’ll do tests; [Ice] will let women touch my butt, feel it, grab it, whatever they want to do, to prove that there’s nothing in there.”
on her favorite music to get freaky to:
“Yeah, Keith Sweat has a really nice beat.”
on sex in unusual places:
“We’ll do it in club bathrooms, and there’s usually bodyguards around — we’re doing a lot of appearances at clubs, so ya know. ”
on her pet names for Ice-T:
“I call him Baby Poo. He calls me, “Bitch, get over here.”

- source

And you can take…whatever that was….to the bank. Just be sure to get plenty of antiseptic wipes and Clorox.

I’m about to go scrub the shower (party up in this hizzouse, don’t you know), so I’ll leave you with this educational video:

Yeahhhh..I don’t know what was going on there either. See you later, my lovelies!

Good morning, kids! How are you this fine day. I’ve got a cat on my legs, one on my shoulder, and one eyeing my lap, so if I start typing weird stuff, you’ll know why. Let’s get straight to the gossip this morning. First, Beyonce somehow got a hold of some shiny green panties for the Grammy Awards:

Beyonce Camel Toe Alert!

It’s like the power of Beyonce Crotch just took over your eyeballs, isn’t it. You just can’t look away….I’m thinking it’s got some kind of hypnotic power, like Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s like even thought you KNOW there’s probably rat parts in there, you still can’t stop yourself. - source

Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson in “The Other Boleyn Girl”

Next, I can’t even TELL you how excited I am about a new movie coming out the end of this month called “The Other Boelyn Sister”, based on the book by Phillippa Gregory. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. The cover makes it look like a bosom ripper, but I assure you it’s not. The movie version is starring Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannsson, and in these pictures below, I’m kind of embarrassed for Miss Scarlett. She. Looks. Terrible.

I mean, I know that they didn’t wear makeup in the 1500’s, but DAMN. - source

Next, we have a little bit of a Separated at Birth mystery:

Is Clay Aiken related to Tilda Swinton?

For reals, yall. If you don’t know, Tilda was the White Witch in the Chronicles of Narnia movie; she plays a lot of indie parts. They look completely alike, don’t they? Next, Nicholas Cage is suing Kathleen Turner for accusing him of dognapping. I know, crazy.

Nicholas Cage is Suing Kathleen Turner

Apparently, Nick is not too happy about crazy old biddy Kathleen Turner accusing him of stealing various animals while they were on set together for “Peggy Sue Got Married”, one of the crappiest movies ever created. Personally, I should he would be suing whoever convinced him that movie was a good idea.

Speaking of sue, Mel Gibson is getting sued for his gorefest “The Passion of the Christ”.

Mel Gibson in Legal Trouble?

Seems like the guy who actually WROTE the script for the movie thought he would be getting a substantial amount more than he actually did, and now’s he suing for more money. I’m confused though - isn’t this story based on the Bible? Like, scene for scene? I don’t get what he’s crying about. If anyone should get more money it should be Jesus for having to put up with this piece of crap being done in his name - I’m sure he’d never stop throwing up if he actually had to sit through it.

Anyway, on to Jack Nicholson, who has revealed his number one pickup line for the ladies.

Jack Nicholson is still a Ladies’ Man

What’s Jack’s secret, other than a pocket full of cash? Oh, you would be surprised:

Jack told Heart FM DJ Harriet Scott: “You walk up to someone you like and you’re feeling relaxed, they think, ‘Oh, here comes the shark’ and you say to them, ‘When did you get pregnant?’

“You will have somebody off balance after that particular line.”

- source

Uh, okay, Jack. Personally, I think that makes you sound like a GIANT ASSHAT, but that’s just me. Speaking of weird celebrity sexual-related stuff, Dolly Parton has revealed the names of her boobies. Yes, she has named her boobs - hasn’t everyone? Come on, fess up.

Dolly Parton Loves Her Breasts

So we all know that Dolly has large breasts. Let’s just get that out of the way. However, what I did NOT realize is that she has named them drumroll please SHOCK AND AWE. I was rooting for Pointy and Perky, but hers will do fine. - source

Next, Gwen Stefani is really showing a baby bump now:

Gwen Stefani is Showing!

Isn’t she cute? Kingston is going to be a great big brother. - source

Last this morning, let’s have a look at Christina Aguilera’s HUGE BOOBIES. Yes, that seems to be a bit of a theme with me today.

Christina Aguilera’s Chest

I’m guessing she is breastfeeding, from the size of those puppies.

She looks great, other than the crazy clown makeup. - source

Till this afternoon, I’ll leave you with Beyonce and Tina Turner performing “Proud Mary” at the Grammy Awards:

There’s a rumor going around that Scarlett Johansson is engaged to her beau Ryan Reynolds:

The ‘Lost in Translation’ actress, who has been dating Ryan for almost a year, is said to be smitten with the ‘Smokin’ Aces’ star and has accepted his marriage proposal.

A source said: “We can expect an engagement announcement from Ryan and Scarlett any day now. They are very much in love and have decided to take the next step. Scarlett is thrilled!”

- source

I have a hard time believing this one, mostly because of this quote back in 2006:

“I don’t think human beings are monogamous creatures by nature,” she told reporters while promoting the flick. Still, Johansson says, she hasn’t given up on the idea of getting hitched one day. “When I decide I want to have children with somebody I think it would be nice to be married to that person,” Johansson says.

- source

So unless she’s knocked up or has had a HUGE change of heart, I call this a rumor only. But I could be wrong (it’s happened before…a really long time ago…..okay, like five minutes ago.).

Sigh. Yet ANOTHER award show for celebrities. Well, at least Scarlett Johansson looks good. She’s growing on me.

In that first picture, does she look pregnant, or is just me?

via celebutopia

Looking beautiful as usual! Here’s Scarlett Johansson on the set of He’s Just Not That Into You.

via celebutopia

She’s a beautiful girl, which is why I was confused when I noticed she had borrowed a pair of culottes from my Auntie Jolene’s closet. Are those Easy Spirit, or Kathy Lee for WalMart?

Here’s a pic of her from the set:

And here she is talking to director Woody Allen:

I couldn’t find much information about this movie other than this blurb from IMDB:

“A painter enters a relationship with two American tourists. Conflict begins with the painter’s jealous ex-girlfriend.” Also stars Penelope Cruz, Patricia Clarkson, and a whole host of other actors I’ve never heard of.

source